Revolution

It's 2013 and I'm still here. Allow me to reintroduce myself. OK  so...some shit happened. I got a job, I lost a job. I fell in love twice, cried a lot. Got depressed, stayed there for a long time. Liked it decided to stay in this place, because it's better to fell something then nothing. :) I still hate everyone, which is awesome, you should try it. New York understands me. Still can't think in crowded situations. Normal is still overrated  Alcohol is not good for me. But not in that conventional way like it's bad and it can destroy lives, more like I feel more present when I am drunk. I feel more alive, I just get in a thinking kinda stand, and I over analyse everything. And it's fucking depressing and tiring, and it's just hard. My brain hurts... Unless I get really drunk, and don't remember anything the next day. But I won't stop drinking, because that is what cool kids do.
I have feel in love with a band call The National. They are temporarily solving all of my problems. I can't thank them enough for that. I also realized what I want from/in my life. The basic is my initial reaction needs to be my only reaction. Over thinking has to become a product. I also learned that my country is in total shit. Ones who said that will serve us only served them self's and robed us of our dignity and pride. And we have become even more non trusting and scared. And I am just going to mention how the world is fucked up by this capitalism. Nothing more. I also learned that revolution is coming. I surly hope so. Shit needs to change. I lost a couple of pounds, if you want to know. What else? Pfffff... everything else is still the same you haven't been missing anything. But I have missed you. Now the missing part is over. Let's do this...


Mike Wood

The Last One

I've got my feedback. Finally. Just like I wanted it. Or better, need it. It's time to move on. And I have an idea how. So no more of me complaining about my only two problems, with various metaphors. No more pain, sadness and self pity. No more of my writing  about me. It's time I write about others. I am not a protagonist, my characters are. My story should not be told. It is simple, why. I am boring. My protagonists in my head are not. They are worth telling, they are worth the words. No more publishing my work. This stops now. And starts a new era. When my work is intended for me and me only. It has been a fun ride. Finding something that I love. But it's over. It was time to let get out now, when it's still time to not ruin everything. This is my last one. Just like Larry King a few days ago, I am too over with this period in my time. I Larry's King Words:'' Instead of saying good by, how about so long.''



Last time Mike Wood.

About A Song That Makes Me Feel Funny

I have a song. A song that is making me dance. A song that gives me motivation to write. So you would think it's a fabulous situation for me. But a again, it is not, aren't you bored already. I know I am. So problems start the first time a hear that song. A full house, switching a channel to channel, to see wants on TV. And I click a 79. MTV Hits comes on. And there is this guy, who is, basically what is wrong whit our music these days. Not using instruments, making sounds like they are coming from a bathroom, using his looks to get into the music world. And he dances. Only one thing that is actually good. The guy can't dance, let's give him that. But everyone can be Michael these days. Still it is convincing enough to actually see the damn video, after his showing off of his dance moves. To get back to the story, he was having an interview, talking about his album, and in the back they were showing his video, with out the music. So I said why the hell not. Lets see what they, so called MTV, has produced and give wings to another ''meaning of music''. Try to read it as sarcastically as possible. So a sad down an give MTV ''my precious minutes''.Try to read it as sarcastically as possible too. And a listen to it and watched it. My initial reaction was here we go again. And basically that what it was. Another dud sing and dancing about something, and a fast car was involved and stuff. But the song makes me dance and kinda makes me want to write. So I am kinda embarrassed about it. Yeah...So this was a fun experience reading it, Right? Hehe. Read this with a smile. I have no idea, what the hell I am doing with my life. I mean common, I am here writing about, songs that makes me feel funny. And some people have real problems. Do you know what is the biggest thing that can happen in my day to day activities? I can loose in a video game playing NBA basketball. Ain't that a bitch. And when I do I am really pissed. So...there is no point too this story...so I should really stop writing about now. I'll stop now. Bye! :)


M. Wood

Make You Feel My Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnn9JlqqTE4&feature=recentlik

Ze Frank

http://www.ted.com/talks/ze_frank_s_nerdcore_comedy.html

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/ze_frank_s_web_playroom.html

Im About To Whip Somebody's Ass

When days are going from bad to worse. Sing this in your head to calm your self down. And just take it slow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM5cSlfGnSU

T-Shirts Sayings

Love Is Noise.

T-Shirts Sayings

You don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps.

T-Shirts Sayings

There Is No Room For Demons, If You Are Self Possessed.

An Investment, That Is More Then A Piece A Paper

I get on myself every day. What I mean by that is, I am hard on my self. My injury has digress my progression. In this one is actually physically, not mentally. My job search has started good but quickly ended. You would think that in my profession it's easy to get a job. And your wrong, it's not. Every body is searching for some one young, with little experience, a fast learner. Those are the basics. So you would think that I apply perfectly in to that description. But I don't. Let me explain. My age is the biggest factor. They say they are looking for someone young, yes but that someone young is an age 27 an up. When you are at that age you look more responsible and you gave an impression that you can become a part of a team in month. And you still look like a good investment in the future. With my age, witch is 22, I am a liability. That age says, I want to work, I want to make something out of my self. But it also says, that I am too much of an investment, too much work with me to become a good member of a team. To much mentoring. Do you know what I mean? They want some one young, but a guy that can do it by theme self fast, with not a lot of help by others. And that is hard to achieve if you are 22. You need help. And my number doesn't help there. So I began to think about that a lot. And my response to my ''lady that should help me to find a job'' is if I still don't get a job until February. Why should I say yes to some one who constantly says no? I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life, but why should't I look for an alternative direction.Why should I force my self to that, no, that constantly appears. It is there mistake if they can't see the potential or at least the wish to do it the normal way. It is there loss if they can't see how good an investment I am. I do agree on one think. I do need mentoring and do need extra help. But once that the comfortability zone comes, once I feel confidante, I can shine. Big time. So should I gave up, and try to look for alternative answers? How do I say out loud, that I want to stop saying yes to there no, and star saying no, and try my own way. Or not even my own way, but to try something that is not written on my paper of who I am. I am a chef. But I get the idea it's not in it for me. And everyone only sees what is written on my paper. I am much more then my age and my occupation. I am much more.



Mike Wood

T-Shirts Sayings

 Being A Man Is Living In A Constant Fear Of Disappointing A Woman.

She Brings Me The Music

Just a little bit of good music that can help. It helps me. Specially check out Richard Ashcroft and RPA & The United Nations Of Sound. It's amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlRtGTC57rI&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_bNJ9ZDa10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqodCNWqS8c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8tuTSi6Sck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hxfo61V-U1I

Forever Young...

My work will always be best when I do it my self. Individually. No other opinions, just if I want them. And I rarely want them and rarely there are people who deserve it. My work will always be affected with this time of my life. Just because I have found, when I am at my best. It doesn't matter what is that I do, it matters how I do it. Forever I will live in this lost time. When I am old this the time that I will remember. My moments. Alone moments. Alone in writing, alone in watching, alone in sleeping. Forever I will stay this young. Forever young in rain city, rolling dices, with orange sky, wishing that I would be in california. I land where my thoughts are manageable to read, while I am reading. Process that it might happen has been betrayed. My dice number is always different, never the same. So I can't find the stars coordinate. I am lost in space. As far as I know space is to big to be left alone. I will parish if moving on is not an option. But where do I start? At the beginning, at the end? I am living without the middle. I saw a start of all this, and I know the end of it too. It's all black, with stars shining in the distance. Looking something to grab on. My air supplies are limited, end they are almost empty. Need to go back, and find home so that my work could be heard and read, so I can get a refill. So long on the road, you forget how things work. Was I forgotten, have I gone to far? My mission is clear. Search and find. When I find, what ever is that I am looking for, I come back. Could my search gone to far in space and no one is out there looking for me anymore? The coordinates are in my hand to set my course back home. I need to face them, just because I need the refill. When I am done, I am going back. I want to find what ever is that I am searching. Even if that makes me forever young and alone.



Miha

Who Am I?

From beginning to an end, I will always feel the way I feel. I am bitter, depressed and lonely. If I have some one besides me or not. My life depends on this feeling, word, mood, and ability from others to not understand it. Ladies and gentleman, I am lonely. It has come to this, that the first person who comes to my life will feel the love, that can't be measured. She will never felt stronger love and appreciation towards here. That is me. I am love. And nobody can see it, or understand it. Being alone and having very emotional life, gives you perspective on things. And that life it self loses meaning and gives you the ability to live. I know hard to understand. But that is me, not understandable. Melancholy Hill does exists, but only in a place, that no one wants to be visit. Not by choice or hate, no, but of interest. They are lacking it. Is there enough sympathy in the world, to have some one besides me? Who am I? I am sympathy. That bit that could make a difference. Not to make the world a better palace, but to make just one world a better place. I hope that soon I can do life on my own. Alone in a room with my rules. Not being surrounded by people who are not emotionally on my level. And with people who are not attentionality destroying my talents. Whenever you think I have it or not. It's 0.47 o'clock. It is Saturday. And I am asking my self a question. Who am I? I am...



Mike

On Melancholy Hill

I live on melancholy hill. And up here, there is an atmosphere of trying your best. It really is. Slowly trying your best. The desire is here but you can't see it by just watching from a distance. You have too live here to understand it. Daily activities are done in a order that you made it your self. The way you like it. Not rushing your self. Jut the right amount of it, so ''they'' still see you living. On this beautiful hill we don't ask stupid and unnecessary questions. Just an example: How are you, What are you doing in your life now, any big things happening in your life... (You get the idea) No we ask our self. Do you fell comfortable?

Like I said the desire is here, but you can't see it through our sad faces, pale hearted and showing boring emotions towards you. It's not like we don't care what is going on below our hill, but we are too occupied with our comfortability level. We are sleep deprived, we have back issues, we constantly watch for our physical apparency, because people are watching everywhere, and we like to look good. No matter the frustrations in our head. If you haven't find the key word. It's melancholy. Yes there is a hill, and it's beautiful. All the great parks, the ponds, ducks playing in those ponds, beautiful forests... oh it's great. Surprisingly there is always autumn on this hill. I wonder why? The sorrow, cloudy atmosphere, unstable mental and physicality surroundings  that is Melancholy Hill. Like the words written before you. That is like the staying on that hill. Disturbed. A lot of rest involved. Definitely a great muse if you are interested in the art form of writing, panting, sculpturing, and anything else you can remember. But don't tell a lot of people about it, there is not enough room for every body. So for now I only got one question for you.

Are you comfortable?

Mike Wood from Melancholy Hill.

The Psychiatrist: First Talk; I See Darkness.

''What is worse then a totality agony of being in love? Probably not being in love. In this times when every one is gasping to hold on to something good in a so tough environment, I try not to think and imagine the things I love and could love. It takes too much time to recover after those emotions. I am afraid to get in bed at night. All the silence and peace that is brought by that time of day is too much to handle. I start to worry about every thing. And I literary mean every thing. How can a world be so corrupted, taking what is not rightfully yours. No respect for nothing. The damn global warming. I some time wonder if there is any reason to make an effort to live. One day it's all going to be over. Even if you do something, you will be forgotten. And it won't matter. We are fucked, and the ice has already started to melt. I thought about killing my self, but the idea of not existing gives me more trouble then death. About every thing. I mean and I am not even some non sociable geek or any thing. I have friends I go out I meet people, I am active in my community. I am something. I have hobbies that complete me. A steady job. But I am worried about the lawn in front of my house, the trees at the back of my house. I need to make shore the are healthy so they can provide fresh air, I am worried about polluted air, that is going through my lungs. When I see other people buying stuff all I see is how much paper or plastic bags are they taking. I mean what the hell is wrong with a person when he uses one small bag for two apples, another bag for three tomatoes, and a another bag for a zucchini. They CAN ALL GO INTO ONE BAG. Fuck. With little things people are destroying the world, In my book the world is all ready destroyed.''
I stopped for a second, to have a glass of water. Water's good for you. I am sitting in a room, where every thing is perfectly designee to make you feel comfortable as you possibly can be, in this room. I am in a room where people with problems are trying to solve theme. I am not a naive person and I don't run to seek help if something is going wrong. I like to solve it my self. Ha, maybe I should told that to my doctor. For what is worth I don't even know If I'll be back next week. I probably won't. He quietly sits in his chair, making some notes. But still observing me. He doesn't say anything. He waits for me to start. And I do I want to make my money countable.
'' So here is me talking, about my problems. To some one who will only heard theme if you pay him. It has come down to this. Do you even care, if I was to came here with no money and ask you for a small advice? Don't answer. I rather not know. I would rather search for my answer. Besides rationality is lost. Emotionality is lost. Being emotional is now forbidden or at least you quickly become someone who isn't stable to make big decision. Your Emotions Are Getting In Your Way. Yes they are. Because that is how you should react. With every thing you've got. Who can that be wrong. Be your self a hundred percent all the time.''
I get too disturbed by not making any sense. Slow and cloudy day has turned into rainy day. Hopelessly sitting on a chair facing the ground, water in my eyes. I am still trying to fool my self from the truth. I quickly decided I am coming back. Can't say anything else but these words to the man in front of me.
'' I see darkness, can you help me?''

I Know I Suck, But I Need Your Voice.

Define your self. They say. Who every they are. I just want to say I hate theme. But how can I? Now one on the other side. I feel alone. After I Came Back, came silence. When I refer to you, I believe I am talking to my self. Not bad finding your self in your own words. Hello, anyone. Just to see if you are still alive. All I want is a pulse reaction. A fast reaction. I wrote a lot. After the sentence, I came back, I am trying to define my writing. Boring, old, self centered ... Nobody is saying any thing, How can I know. The truth is I am not good, but I am getting better. I hope so, please give me an answer.
My readers are gone I am the only one, If I can even register as a reader. Say you don't want it, and I'll stop.
A perfect and innocent thing has turned into a disaster. Talking to your self, basically leads you to a mental facility, even if it's only in your mind. What is worst then a totally agony of being in love? Not just obvious love, but love of interest, that rare understand. Or at least they are not telling you. I am in a search as I sad many times before. I am looking for a critic, help, a sound of life, a voice. I am desperate. Please be a part of my story. be that exception.



Mike.

My Love

Music. Just a word. But once you started to pay attention, on what it really means you get the idea of how big it is. How far does it reach? How important is music in my life? It's the number one thing. What do I do when I am in my moments of trouble? I started listening to music to calm my self down. What do I do when I am felling alive. I celebrate with music. Where do I go for an inspiration? I think you got the idea. It's music that gets me woken up in the morning and puts me to sleep. I am not a musician, I have the desire to play certain instruments. But I still haven't got my self to learn theme. I guess I want somethings unanswered. I want to be the ultimate observer. I  love and appreciate work that others put in songs. And I admire theme for finding their way of expressing theme self and let others, like me, to find some consolation in those songs. Music gave me something to believe. I don't want to tell what to listen. Just find some music that gives you some meaning. The emphasis is on you. Music is a big part of me. Listen to it. It will improve your life. Even if it's only for five minutes. It's worth it.



Mike

Life Is A Game Of Inches

For reconstruction to happen you have to start at ground zero. But I haven't demolished everything. Some of my buildings are build solid, and everyone took a long time to build.
How can I demolished empty rooms? Weren't they meant to be filled and used? They are stuffed with empty boxes and dust. Black shades are covering windows. Not because no one wants to watch, but because there is nothing I can put in. And yes, sometimes I don't wanna watch. Watching an empty room is depressing. The doors are open. Not locked and the function to lock theme was removed. That was taken care of. By me. Two rooms that I won't probably destroyed. The unwritten and written one. To important to get ride of them. So the question is. Is it worth to demolish those old rooms and start new, or get started on a renovation? I need to sell every room. The exception are written and unwritten. Need to start living there. Move all my things in and try to do something with it. Nobody can do it for me. I am too young to left those in the hands of someone I don't trust. Life is a game of inches. First inch is to realize my options. I have done that. Last year I spent doing that every day, all day. I have found something. Now. Second inch. What are you going to do? That is my next battle. The second step is the hardest. Now I have to start the battle, now it's time to pull all out my weapons and make my self a believer.
Viva la Vida. I had it in front of me. Never saw it, not as clearly as I should. I am disturbed so is my message. I apologize for that. But it helps me. In a disturbing way.



Mike

The Only Exception

The story goes over and over. The same stuff appears in front of me. Again I was remembered how fragile I am. With brutal force they made me mad and insane. Not able to think straight not being able to stand on my own feet. The ground is shaking. And I can't even remember if it's from the see or the people who made me mentally unstable for a short period of time. I have been waiting for a decedent talk for a long time. And I finally got one. Sharing my desires with someone who knows where I am coming from. It was nothing more just a simple conversation. The same wishes and hopes colliding together is a beautiful thing. Hope was restored with this chat. It's good to be reminded that I am not the only one who thinks the same way as I am.

I made a mistake not writing daily on this trip. A sort of a scrap book. It would give me some sort of satisfaction that I belong there. Definitely I didn't feel like that. For the most part I don't belong anywhere. Even the break from writing was a bad decision. I need to get back to my comfortable zone. And that talk was in the that zone. And why they couldn't leave at that I don't know. They wanted more. They never asked me what I want? And all I ever wanted. I got it. I can appreciate the little things. What I have got out of that conversation was much bigger and better that I would have got If I pursue their wishes and thoughts. Right now I live to believe. I need more than an average person. And I believe I deserve more. That is just me.Not feeling better then anybody just different. The only exception is I am more complicated. Believe me it's not a good thing. 

Another Lonely Day

Here comes emptiness crashing in. Most days I keep my problems well hidden. But underneath the surface I feel emotions of a heartbreak. I am not heartbroken. I am maybe heartbroken by my incompatibility. But let's not get into my mistakes. But one fact is true. When I let someone in I got heartbroken. Every time. Maybe there is something wrong with me? Or just the simple communication failure, or the distance measured in miles between her an me. They said that you shouldn't have any regrets for your decisions. Well I have few. And one is letting her go. But more of wanting her back it's just, I wanna see where I would be. Now, I can't know where I would be, with my self and here. By the way she was really awesome.

And there for by my incompatibility I got heartbroken again. Just another lonely day I walk around with my heart problem. How I miss those moments of togetherness. The simple siting on a couch, which gives you all the meaning in the world, having your arm around her, the warmth even on a very cold day is incredibly and most of the beauty in this scene is just being wanted by some one, in every moment at every time.

In every moment at every time this is my another lonely day. Those thoughts, wishes how ever do you want to name them, those things run in my head. Bound by this course of wishful thinking.

Mike

Inventive

I need to do something new, something creative, too get my spirit going.

With Me, Or Without Me

I am lost. And normally when you are lost you can't find the way to things that makes you happy. Not saying I am back, but saying something would be nice. At least is't keeping me on my toes, not writing I mean. I looked every where between this period of not writing. And it's just dumb world. Not exiting me at all. The whole world experience is not getting to me. I don't feel it. I do understand it, but I don't want it. Ah who cares really what I have to say. Just a thought that I can't find something that could made a difference is pathetic enough. Can't find a decent opportunity to live. I am not asking for much I am asking for normal. Stop telling me what to do. Stop saying what would you do. Stop with pretending the world isn't in shit. Just shut the fuck up.

I need new way to talk to my self this one is getting boring. Tired of same old stuff. Any ideas as how to continue? Fuck you. Just fury, rage, anger is in me lately. Can't stop thinking about idea to break something. Anything, just to destroy their meaning. Because I don't have meaning. With me or without me. What is the purpose to continue if I can't even decide? Do I want to decide? I think so, at least I will make one good decision, or bad.

I don't know. All I know right now is my status. And it's bad. Really bad.

Mike or what ever.

Don't Loose The Number

I got a number that could possibly and hopefully change my life. An unexpected call turned into good news. Nothing is set yet, or approved. But it's a start. The first audition. The opportunity is here. Let's bring our game. It's win or loose. Make or break. You get the point. All the boring sentences come in my head. It's just something I wanted for a long time. That is way I can't find the right words to manufacture the joy that is in me. Anxiously I wait for the day in hopes of some closer to my meaning of life. Maybe I wandered to far. It's just an audition. But, imagine this. All I ever wanted is an audition. And the the one thing that you desire the most on this planet comes to terms. What's the right response? I think it's celebration. Modest celebration, there is still work to be done. But a joy has been woken up in me. I have't experience that kind a joy in a long time. The last time I remember it was the time, I realize what do I want to do in my life. That was seven years ago. And I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I hope this day will also be so mind blowing. So until next good news...

Just Mike.

Should I Stay, Or Should I Go?

Half the World Away. Do I have to go so far, to get some closer, meaning, some satisfaction? I fell all ready empty, does it matter where I am? Exceptions can be good sometimes. Or at least give it a try. The fear of felling is not here. But a fear of honesty and appreciation of the age. I did't do it intentionality, I did it because time let me. All the call ups and the smiles after. And then I got a reply. A short, disturbed, but honest. I surely can't find some one that has my potential of thinking, what next. Some times those are the worst or at least, you get disappointed when you realize there's thinking. Am I making any sense? Ah... The problem is my aging, and her lack of experience in life. Or the other way around? My attention was never this. My confusion.I don't know the opposite side, but I know shit when I see it. But still I am not making out of it too much.

I'm roting in this home, no wonder I get paranormal activity. That's it, I am done for the day. Let's go do a stretch.

Just Mike.

Fixing, Updating Or Premature Crash?

For ever broken. Or partiality fixed. Left in a corner because it got too boring to fix someone like me. Or was it fixing? For all I know it could be an update. And it's taking a long time. All I know something is missing. Predictable. But expected. A story of a young and powerful man is slowly getting it's terms right. Am talking about the story I am writing. Or is it just another bug in the system, and I can't tell from reality and fiction, and needs to be deleted? Where is my 2. am call? I had one. I wonder If I made a mistake? Come on it was two am in the morning. Or just another virus in my hardware? I am a guy with a desire to say something out loud but never finds the words, when the time is right. Maybe I am filled with a Trojan horse virus? And it's waiting for those moments. Besides the honesty that is in me, I feel the need of selfishness. Is that a word or my vocabulary hasn't been updated? But how can you be selfish, if you got nothing? Selfish can't come from nothing.

Just like Jack in the search of a chest, I can't find the thing that I want. So I lean on others. But in my case, others are letting me down. My capability to deceive others is not that good, as Jack's.

Reading others. A skill that should be deleted. But it won't be. I just don't have that luck. Soon realizing, after talking to someone, that they just don't understand. Or at least listen and appreciate what has been told. Even if it's not understand.

I like that I don't talk that much. Talk is overrated. You can say so much more with silence and looks. And the words that matter to me, come out on a paper. And those are the one that I count. My dreams and innocent thoughts will continue for ever. I hope those are not deleted. Or else my existing is irrelevant. Dreams and thoughts is who I am. For all I know I don't need fixing or updating. But everyone is saying the system will crash if I don't do something. What is the right solution? Fixing, updating or premature crashing?

Just Mike

I've Got Nothing

Nobody wants to participate in my depression. It wasn't five minutes and I all ready hated everything. I rather shoot my self in the leg then be here. But I don't have a gun. All I do have is my denial twist. The more I denial my potential for better, the more I fall into this great thing I call nothing. Somethings are great when the leadership is good. But certain things are gone, people get too annoying and potentially scared of losing the position. Then things are wrong. I can't live like this any more. The pressure of others and the shit they are dealing with is not my problem. And I don't care for anything. I've got nothing. If it comes to it I will kill you. Metaphorically? Capability level low, but sometimes high. It depends, on what I don't know, but it depends. Is there any alteration to this story? It needs to come fast. Youth is wasted on the young. Let's go further. Life is wasted on people. Eureka should be my next word. But it just doesn't comes. Even if you say it out loud in hopes that something will come to you when are you saying it. No, it just gives you a slap on the face. A back hand slap. A more profound and embarrassing one. Clearly my vision is broken. Like my heart. A message was interfered and read to early. Depression is my only friend. And he is back again. Words twisted, life wasted on twist. Just go out on the streets and play music. If I would know how, I will. But all I got are words and nobody wants to listen or read these days. What I want from you? Nothing. Because I've got nothing for you. At least those are the beliefs, that you are selling.

Just Mike

River Flows In Me

Hard on my self before knowing. But on the other side I really hate most things. I am a cynical bastard. But at least a better bastard then most of theme out there. And how do you become one? When you realize that you will not do what you desire the most in this world. It puts you on the grounds of thinking. And you become loud in your mind. It's like loud wind on a silent perfect night. I am still searching for my lullaby. To many noises when I try to sleep, nothing calms me down any more. Will you be my lullaby? I think it's a fair question. Just not saying it to the right person. And it probably never will be said. Always threaten by details. But always seeing it. Can I really offer you my troubles? Or do you live in a fairytale? I don't know my future. And I ask my self questions every day. Where is the alternative? I have been waiting for a very long time. Amazing that I came this far. Don't want to gave my secrets away. And I don't want a perfect life. I just want life. Because this is definitely not it. Is it worth existing if you do not achieve what you want?

A river flows in me.

Michael

Publish My Love

I want to wake up with a singular purpose. Just to despite the odds of my capability to do so. Broken in so many ways it's become ridiculous. Ridiculous cause I don't have to be broken. My believe is strong and realistic. But still some things are still uncertain. The unnecessary is strongly fixed in my being. No noticed on the horizon just simple traps around me. And not always watching my steps. I am just to tired doing that. Hate me good if you have to hate me at all. Can ideas be even more unexpected? I hate theme because of there timing. Never is the good time to come. And then they come. Just a face can bring something. Something almost unwritable. But it can be done. Just the right space is missing. Or a better mind. A better working mind. Secretly hoping to get on my own way. But it's still not written in my path. Florence is my place to be. She gives me comfort and despite the obvious, she makes me smile. It is not the force of publishing that is thriving me, it just a side that knows that I am better then most of column writers. A small market for a small person. One of the saddest thing I know.

Quit and soft. Now undeniable thing for me. Know me or not, those are my two precious gifts and also curses. Just for know I still am. But I am loosing my mind, I hope in a writable way, so I am at least interesting to be around. If not, I found a new level of boring.

Michael

How To Be

On purpose I suffer with desire. Before I did't write, there was nothing. Now it's something. How to carry a bag which is full of words and weights nothing? Do I even carry it around with me? An empty bag is telling a story for others not for me. I don't count. Pale and stressful are most occasion with a question how to be. To much stupidity around me makes the words even harder to write and a bag even lighter to carry. I hate people who wishes rain on someone on which they are angry with. Rain is a savior. The land is given a new opportunity to flourish, like I am given an opportunity for right words when I take a break. Given the mistakes in the past and a growing talent I feel filed with new strength. Strength does not come from physical capacity, it comes from indomitable will. It's time for the real words for a story. It's time to get the past writing in to work. It's time to get limited worlds working. Things need to get out of control. Don't hate evolving. It's just another side of life. The continuation of How To be is, How to be published?

A part of me is satisfied, but I want to publish that satisfaction. Less words for you, more for trying. But not forgetting you.

Michael

Meaning Is Overrated

Leave me out on the rain. I prefer it. If you are not capable of passion, you are not able to understand me or the world. Still can't get the freedom out of my head. Still have to many objectives and influence around to get my writing out on a paper. Still a feeling is too overwhelming to be where I want to be. And that is in a free zone of writing. No catches, no pretend, no conspicuous minds. Just me and my keyboard. Allowing to set my own rules and also honor the rules that exist. Let me out. Leave me out. My creativity is suffering. There for I am suffering. It's nothing better then selected control. Control suffering. I don't know how I even do it. I came a long way. From some one who's purpose was lost, but then suddenly found. Or the purpose was never challenged and it was just unmeaningful living. It happens. To much for my book. But that what it's going to be about. Unmeaningful living. Not seeking beauty but making one up. To better the path, to put solid rock on Wood. The meaning will be hidden in it's meaningfulness writing and living. Or the meaning could be made up? That is an option. To made it up, just too put a even bigger twist on my suffering. Could it be that the making sense part is made up and lost? I am loosing my self right now. Where was I?A, out in rain, alone. Where meaning is probably overrated. How to describe rain, where no one like's it but you? Like this. My rain falls with passion.

Michael

Consequence

Is there any writing left in me? It's so hard to write these days. Am I being too annoying and depressed in times where depression is first that comes in your mind when you just look out side the windows and think? Is thinking become a fears predator? To think now it's like you are ready to be condemned to loose and be hateful? A brilliant mids are being appreciated. But are they being really heard? Let's be honest. The world is turning in too in a dark place. Or perhaps it all ready is. The world is being molested by some old farts who have there heads so up there ass that they can't see nothing but theme selfs and money. Just a though of what is happening in the world makes me sick and depressed and clueless. And these are the things that we know of. The hidden problems are even more dreadful. Just the idea makes me sleepless and paranoid. Paranoid of dying while doing nothing about everything. It's hard to admit that but it's true. Everything is politics. For a business to succeed all one has to say, It's only business. It is so easy and simple. It's just business. It makes me cry. And sometimes there is nothing better to me but to not exist. And here comes the last think you should think, but it's always the first. How can young people thrive on better future and take over when old people( I call old people, the people who rule this wonderful place which is going fast in a direction for destruction, why? Because it's time to get out and let the young and innovating take over. Your time has come and you are doing it wrong.) are screwing things up. I lost the capacity to even describe the misery that it is happening around the world. It makes me feel angry and lonely for some reason. How can some one like me, depressed, agonized, shy and too nice person can do? Trying to get my own opinion. By listening reason. I am not convicted by first reason, I get more of theme. Started to collect theme. I am my own own reasonable voice. Please become your own reasonable voice. Think. The only revolution that could happen is too first change your point off view on things, start to think about the consequence. And if more and more people will start doing that and started to think, then the revolution will come. For now where are not even close to make a difference. I am very scared of people's thinking. Not about this but general thinking. What are there priorities? My biggest concern.

I don't know how to end this. I believe that this matter doesn't have an end. And so it should't. Where do I begin to make the end better?

Michael

No Distractions

For what it's worth I want to start my own life. In my own place. I think I am ready. All I need is a solid job to support my self. To live alone and to be the master of my life. Why I am so eager to do so? Most people my age are trying to live in the moment, not so much worry for the future. Like always my thinking is different. I do think about the future. My moments are not that great to live with. So I stop live for the moments. Why not to get too the next step, which a lot of people are trying to avoid. I want to embrace it. I want to feel average. Why I want to rush things? I want to feel how it is to be the center of attention. Even if I am the one giving the attention to my self. No strings attached. Just me. To take care of me and only me. Not answer to anyone. And then when coming home from a job, work out, drinking, anything in fact I want to write about it. Not just the happenings, I want to know the story's that will came up in that state of mind. In this home I have to much responsibility. I don't just want to free my mind, I want to free my body of distraction that others give me. And then I want to write. About no distractions, being free body and mind. I want to write about average. I just feel... you know what I don't know what I feel. I do know that this space is blocking my creative writing. I want to write scripts, novels, short stories. Yes I had some success. That is my opinion. Some where good some were not. But I know I can do better. And this space it makes very hard some times. I want to get rid of that. In hope for achieving that, I will try to do everything. I just want to write.

Just Mike

Help?

My aware of being spiritually alone frightens me. Know one to share my moments with. Trying to grasp the things that matter and just being horrifically bad at it. I hope I am discovered one day. The number one reason why I am broken in my mind.

I don't belong, to nobody and nowhere. Maybe sports are the only thing I feel comfortable enough to just simple be. Hard to find that. The comfort zone. Is it wrong to spread out ideas about darkness? Is it wrong to be comfortable in that kind a space? Finding the beauty in it makes me more meaningful then something ordinary. I hate ordinary. It makes me like everybody else. And I hate everybody. Nothing makes me more alone then the idea of normality and ordinary. And lately when words are not coming out like I am use to. I feel even more spiritually alone. If that is possible. My words are solution for my problems, they are a back passage for avoiding things that bother me. Even my self conscious is turning against me. I am turning my self in to an enemy. My own enemy. I am constantly reminded that now one cares, quietly. Maybe it is my lacking ability to talk in public about something of an importance, but that is just me. For I am with my friends out ''having fun'' I think about everything but that particular moment. I can't do nothing if you are undeniable boring. Or maybe I am the one who is boring? I admit I am. And not that I just think about everything, I think about how great is to be alone and how I want to be alone that moment. Help...anyone? I am a solid and swell person under all these words. I am just fed up of all the nonsense of treating my self like everybody else. The treatment just doesn't work for me. So my options of living have to be different, for some even extreme. But this is me. The extremer of love.

Just Mike

Besides Me Is...

Finally composed. Just enough to be still standing on my own and enough to loose concentration. It's just coming up from now where. Attached with partial empathy. Not too others, but feeling my feelings while feeling them. Judging my self with those one. And always looking for some reason. I guess besides me there is another me. Another side with better understanding for the truth which I am not willing to except. The other me has excepted it. Everything I do he can do it better. He has the time to get it done right, but never actually does it. Yet another smart annoying know it all is getting to me. The part that disturbs me is that he only lives in my head. He doesn't control my actions. He analyse it. He gives me report. He is eating my soul that is how he survives. By crushing me to pieces and making my presence feel unnatural. He always knows when to strike. And he can get to you. Besides the truth that he tells you, he makes you feel unwanted.

I was feeling really good when I started to write this. I was feeling funky and joyful. Now look where am I. I decided to blog until I die. I am going to bore you for ever. And most of all I am going to bore myself with this. I am going to bore you until you die. Why? I got nothing better to do. I just feel pathetic. So don't get mad if suddenly I get really crap. Just stop.

So besides me is me. Isn't that the most depressive thing you'v heard.

Just Mike

Everything On Nothing.

How to be corrected? Or at least be open to an idea of correction. I know I am. Endless nights are filled with fresh fog and desire to make you think. Just walk ones in a perfect night. And you will see what I mean. Every night is perfect. The night is the only thing we embrace of darkness. Because it's natural. Why is black color so hated? It's just another color.

Towards better endings with less lies. Trying to feel a void. Being alone with pencil in his hand is hard. Sharing is the thing that I lost. Sharing a passion and love of a story. Tremendous amount of my energy is wasted. Wasted on people who know only what it's in front of theme right that second. Wasted on effort of trying, while others don't. I am going to be more open. Tell it like I feel it. All tho I know what will came out. Dislike on your end. No worry, I already don't like you. I am filed with annoyance and discomfort of my surroundings. So don't try. Just be. And I will be quietly siting in my corner not liking you. Hating you sometimes. I am seeking strong and heavy moments with some formal meaning. Constantly in a battle, now the battle is coming out. Beware of my agility and acceleration. But I am going to do it in my style. Depressed and agonized in timeless space.

Just Mike

I Am Broken

Broken spirit. Broken mind. Broken heart. Open window inviting in the spirits from above. Or spirits from the ground. The powerful threat to be the best I can be is getting to me and my collective mind. The part of where I function is slowing down. The appeal of stability is dropping to a point zero, fast. It's starting to happen. The destruction of my normality. The special feel in the air is a clue. A clue which leads to lost of sight. I am blind for colors. I see darkness all around. Black is my domain. Darkness is arriving. And it will be passed on by me. Whether you like it or despised it. I am a new born killer. Fear is all I am now. The quiet ones know have a voice. I don't accepted rules I destroy theme. I make strong people weak. I made theme see how their decisions affect people. I made theme see destruction. Most of theme are ready to go, non of theme is ready for me. I am Ezio Auditore De Firenze. And I Am An Assassin.

It's just something my creative mind did with an ending of a video game. It's different then this. This is my alternative ending. I did found a music to go to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivR_Hi2i_eQ

Now read it with this music. It's just gives me chills. Music is pure genius work. Awesome.

Just Mike

Seizing The Moment

Trying to practice a method. Disturbed by how many they are but blessed that there is more than one. In a free space when I look and search for this methods, I found different verities of prosper living. All short but infectious at the same time. I am always in this space. When I began to approach one I can feel it and see it. I have the time of my life. It's a unique experience. It can last only for a few seconds, but they are seconds of pure joy. Soon after that the feeling is gone. So where do this one moments of anxiety go? I don't know. All I know that they are hard to find. And just to seek theme everyday in a hope that there is more of those unique moments. That is a life worth living.

Michael

Do You Wanna Comment My Blog?

The continuation of Does Anybody Wanna Read My Blog? Nothing new, nothing old. Just Mike. Action on the horizon. Beware of my productivity. A lot of words for now. But things are changing. My production house is up and running. Green and yellow is my new color. Apparently no one cares. Where's the method of being shameless?Of being paranoid for paper and pencil? Why do people do stuff? To seek intention or just because it feel's right? For most right feelings there is a lot of selfishness around it. And they should be. But when people's lives are on the line it stops being the right feeling.

A powerful history is breaking in to pieces. For they have forgotten the words of there old masters of philosophy. It's better to know little but useful, to know a lot and useless. To much of important men think to highly of theme self. Nothing wrong with self confidant, but you have to look at it with reason. When you have strength. Ask your self. To whom do this strength benefits? Or better ask some one who has no problem telling the truth.

Tell me the truth. I seek good thinking. I want good thinking. It's more powerful then any weapon in the world. But who cares. Right? Is it just another nonsense talk? Or a reminder of methods for better understanding?

Michael

A Brain Full Of Memories.

I got my self in a momentum of deception. I become a master of it. I don't know who I am. So I'm deceiving my self. Not knowing what I will achieve by that. The moment is still happening. It hasn't past by like I thought it would. I did't adapt it or learn to live with it. I just have no answer for it. Hiding and seeking for safe ground. To run away from it is like trying to catch a dream. And memorizing it. Even flying away doesn't help. Believe me I have been all around the world looking for the answer. I am making the same mistakes from the beginning of my first memory. Always seeking a reason. Sometimes wanting it to soon. To fast. And that is how you ruin your path of search. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. Let the reason come to you. Even if it takes a long time. Don't search it. Let it happen. Bad or good. Smart or dumb.

With some memories that are mine I question them. But those that aren't mine. Those are the one for writing. Troubled but useful for my deception. What do I deceive? My emotions.

Michael

What about me?

Where's my story? Everybody is getting there story at least a direction. Even my characters are getting something out of there life. My story has a writers block.

It's a ruthless path we walk on. We are the one who sees the beauty but can't define it. We can't find to enjoy our selfs. We can't appreciate it like others do. And I do hope people appreciate stuff that they feel, touch, smell, taste and see. I write what I don't have. I want to feel, touch, smell, taste and see what I don't have. Does that make me materialistic? Or just an innocent adventurer?

I lied. I can define on thing. Pain. But I interpreted differently. It's like finding a sound of a band. That thing that makes you unique. Pain has been my definition.

Lately I have been doing stuff that helped others not my self. I find to do that one of the essayist doings of my life. Nothing in return but a kind warm smile on there faces. I have been watching these smiles and there attentions. And have been inspired by there efforts to do great. The truth is pain and suffering are inevitable. Living with that can be easy for some one who has nothing but that. But for those who are not that familiar with it can be... different.

I am good at stuff that supposed to be hard, and bad at the stuff that supposed to be easy. And I take things easy. Should I take stuff in a harder prospective, to make things easier?

Michael

Healer In Heaven

Where do we go from here? How do we carry on? I can't go beyond these questions. There is nothing to see now, only satisfaction of being loved, being wanted. The connection has given us value of being the greatest. We complete each other. I have stop asking you to give me a reason to live. I have found one.

''Jason, before I can tell you what we are, I need to tell you my story. Pleas be patient, I will tell you every thing. Do you understand? And I do respect your curiosity, so I won't be too long I promise.'' She ended the sentence with a smile. I agreed to the terms and she started the talk. She talked slowly, but for some case she talk like she was nervous.

''I was similar to your case. I couldn't find any body to connect with. But Charlie and Jane saved me from death. They couldn't ignore my potential. At first I couldn't see those things they did. Through time I saw it my self, it progressed it self and it started to show why I am so special. At first it was very hard. I was the only one how was alone. Nobody dined my value, but they had trouble with me being alone.''I could't stop here from talking. I was enchanted in here talk.

''So I was patient, and I have waited for you.''

''How long?''

''22 years.'' I saw how difficult was to admit that. So I went slowly through here here and thank here for that.

''Thank you''

Our hands touched, our faces got red and we kissed. To moment was full of controlled electricity. She puled me away and said '' You were worth it. It has been just a couple of hours, and I see it was worth the wait.''

She did't want to waist any time, so she stopped the happenings, that could lead to some different endings.

''We age differently. Slowly, once you cross your path to be what we are. Things change drastically. It's easier when you have a partner like others. But when you are alone, the constant pain in your head, the pressure of others. Is getting to you. And the physical change of our nature keeps you alive, through that period of time you don't want to be. That is why probably everybody avoid me but Charlie and Jane. Those changes only happened to me. Others did't have it. Because they arrived in pair. And then...22 years later you'v shoved up. And it's looking better.''

She stop for a brief moment. For some reason I got here pain. I get it like it was mine. I get her.

''So who are we?''

''Who are we?... We're angels. We are the new and the old keepers of peace and love on earth. We are angels.''

''So God exists?''

''Hehe...no he doesn't. We came from a distant planet. The angels where first to occupy this beautiful world. There first main task was to study this planet. They become to big and had to leave the planet they where living on. They were scouts. When they arrived, they could't leave Earth. It was to beautiful. They couldn't leave Earth to his faith, where angels ruin the evolution. They would occupy this planet and ruined it's nature. So they never did't come back to there home planet. They staid here. They learned to live with nature. And for a long time they helped the people. They lived in secret. In the respect of nature, they did't changed it. They only helped people. But man kind grow to fast. And they could't control it anymore. So they just disappeared . We don't know what happened, if they left or what. We only know that about a 150 years ago they shoved up. Three pairs started to do what they have sworn to do when they first came to Earth. It was not easy but they stick through and new couples were born. Now we have 20 couples. And finally we are getting some results. Slowly. People that knew our existence called us angels. And we carry the name till this day.''

We are laying on the grass, soon the sun will rise and a new day will start. A look of Angel. Dark haired Angel with brown eyes was making things easier. My life just got extreme. Still a lot of things unknown. And the way things are going, answers are on their way.

Michael

Subject 22

Preaching to an empty room. All the doors and windows are open. If you walk near the room you can hear everything. Not inviting you, but asking you. Asking you to give me a reason to live.

There is only two chair in this room. A room full of memory's. Darkness surrounds this space. Only two lights exist. One light is pointed at my chair, the other light is pointed to an empty chair. Some people come fast and leave fast to. I guess it's scary to be on the spot.

I wonder what are these subjects thinking when they came. I wont to know, so ask theme a series of questions. I am asking to find something. The thing is unknown. I don't know why I'm doing this.

So I go through some subjects. And I reach subject 22. I get nervous and intrigued. I suddenly start screaming out loud'' It's my head, my dreams, I wont give theme to you'' I realize that I am in motion, a quick motion. Wind goes fast through my hair. Jumping building to building, running away from whatever is after me. Don't want to turn around because I am scared to much of what it is, all I know I don't what to give theme my thoughts. I almost jump to the next building and I see subject 22. I stop. Heavy breathing replaces the silent that we share. O what a beautiful silence it was. Like we are connected. Again I get nervous and intrigued. I look behind me to see whose after me. A man is talking to his sleeve not 50 feet from me. I couldn't here what he was saying but it's was pretty obvious it was about this silence. Like it was something out of ordinary, but it felt completely natural. The greatest feeling in the world. Powerful yet so innocent.

He jump on the building where I was and he spoke.'' Everything that happened 5 minutes ago, forget it.'' He ended the sentence and one couple showed. And the man disappear in the night. So much was happening that I couldn't process everything so fast. I did't realize that me and subject 22 were holding hands. The couple approached us, slowly. They looked calm and confidant. Something I have been lacking.

''You to have a connection. This connection is unbreakable and it's more powerful then anything you can imagine. We don't want to hurt you, or something in return. We want to educate you. Do you understand?''

Subject 22 immediately said yes. I didn't appose that answer. And then she whispered in my ear'' Just listen, everything is fine.'' The most comfortable words in the world and I felt like it to. The man starts slowly and with no hesitation, like he has done that before.

''Ok, I have to start at the beginning. The government's of the world made a program to better the world. They want to get rid of the people who doesn't participate in this program. And believe me everyone participate in this program. They get rid of people who are junk to the community of the world. People who has no real reason to live. There for they don't contribute to make the world the better place.''

''Rid of? How? They kill you?'' I asked confused, and got a wired feeling that he is talking to me not to both of us.

''Yes...but in rare occasions. Only if the subject wants to be killed or if there is really no help for him or here.'' Only he was talking, the women was smiling through the hole process. A couple of times I looked subject 22 and she was also smiling. The man continuous.'' So, the whole program is designed around one thing. And they help you find it. If they can't you know what happens now. But most of the time they do find it. They help you and the world by that. They help you find love.'' 22 and me looked at each other.

''I suddenly started to remember before all this happened. I was on a verge of destruction. Destruction of my self. I was depressed. So this neighbor put on this program. But it wasn't my neighbor, it was you.'' I pointed at the women and she started to laugh. I laughed back. The man started to talk with a big smile on his face.'' So we work on the program, we help to find people the one thing that is really missing in peoples life when they are down.Love. They said that you are a hopeless case, that you are done. And we helped, it was quick action on our side, I have to say. So you probably want to know why we are meeting here on a building, and why do you jump so high with no sweat what so ever, ha?

''Yeah it would be nice...I don't remember to have that kind of privilege before.''

The women started to talk now.'' So you were on a death bed, ready to be gone. I felt something when I saw you, so we could't help our self, but to do something, when we find out. And we were right you are special. But on that matter later. We created a diversion and bought some time to do what we did. We hacked in you brain and started to put pictures of women in your brain. Now we can't really know what do you see when we do that, how did you see it?.''

'' I was in a dark room, with two chairs and light on those two chairs. And women sit on the char, I was asking theme some questions, everybody left and I wasn't feeling right, until she came. Then I woke up or something, and I started to run like hell.''

'' Cool, we stimulate the brain to see what we want, but every imagination is different and it interprets things differently. And you got your answer here. The most similar thinking of a brain is the most likely you are going to par up. So we didn't just put pictures of women we put thoughts to match theme with your thoughts. And you two are the highest match of everybody. So it had to work. We don't put everybody through this program, well not a lot of people know about it. And if we put everybody through it, things will get out of control. It's too quick. The program is based on searching and getting to know someone. An end is known, but in you case. There was no one that got your intention. That is why we took so drastic actions in your case. I think it's too much for one day. Why don't you get some rest and meet us tomorrow, Sheila knows were.'' They said good by and they left us alone. I was in heaven.

Michael

The Great Depression

For you, for me it's like we are reading the same story twice. You just want to see active life, more than once. You know what's going to happen, but you don't care. You want to know,you want it now and you want to be able getting the same thought more than once. The one that matters. You want to feel it. You want to learn it. So that you can remember it in times of great depression. I am wanting on a order. To be told what to do. To be guided to, not just a personal path, but to the path of as all. To be sure of what I'm doing, but still surprised at the and. Concerned about tomorrow, and careing less for me is not a good option. Loud and powerful voices in my ear gives me comfort. When we are down what do we listen? Is't always something new, or is something old, something we know? When you are in a position and you find out that no body cares, to what do we go to?

We go to killers. We go to professional killers, assassins. We go to story's that we know, music with which we feel connected so much that, sometimes it feels like they wrote songs just for us. We quickly realize that forever is over. It kills everything in a that state of mind. You are notorious. And suddenly you are touched by a something real, things that bothered you are long gone. You surrender your self to voice of a troubled mind, and you understand. The story's that don't come out of my head. It's like I don't exist.

I am in a great depression.

Michael

The Unknown Word

Without no power in my muscles, I struggled to write a word. A word that could change the process of my living. Had it on a tip of a tung. But could't said it, or write it. Maybe the scenery wasn't idyll. I couldn't help my self, or receive the help from others. Why? I was alone. I still can't find the word. I can't describe it either. I feel empty without this word. The truth is, I don't know if I will ever find it. Only with this mind I feel alive. The part where I wonder. So simple can be life with it. For no reason at all I start to look for a word. Nothing in a world matter. But this. Trying to full fill a moment of weakness with a word. A moment who has no real meaning for nobody, but has for me. I have persuade my self to believe that I don't finish things. Just a thought I did't chase. For now that is enough that I know. Maybe I will continue the thought later when things get better. Just to remind myself that I need misery in my life. Yes I will do that to my self. I don't think it's wrong I believe it's therapy for me. I am my own shrink. I deal with things with my self.

Searching for this word is just another part of therapy. Is it working? I don't care if it isn't. I only care for the joy of it. Sensations of a different variety, that is what it offers me, this thrill of a search. In search of a word. I believe it's a name. Don't know it yet. But let's not jump to conclusions.

Michael

Anybody wants to be my endless thought or action?

I am scared to write. It's not fare asking big questions when your not sober to defend your thoughts. I have accepted the end of anything I started. Not so much accepted it, but more realizing it's the best way to end things. Trying to do a different ending makes things harder. Waking up is harder. The first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up is. I'm an idiot. The biggest fool of theme all. Nothing makes sense, not one thought, not one action I do. Things with no ending are the one that keeps me going on. What I mean by that is an action that has no ending is the smartest one. Reason has nothing to do with it. Simply it has have no ending. It must be something that can go endless. A thought, an action.

The last one is hard to find. Anybody wants to be my endless thought or action? Trying to find action it's hard action by it self.

So what's the end? There is no end but one. Only one end exist and I am not there yet. And so aren't many people. Don't put things to an end. See it in a continuation form. See it as hill on your way to the top of the mountain. Just another obstacle on your personal journey.

Michael

Search

You must search, to find. Find peace, anger, disappointments, wishes, love, dreams. If you don't search, there is no hope for you. My curiosity is has no place here. You just have to search. Even if it is searching, the things you want to search. Disturbing is going to be your biggest feeling. You are on the right course, when you reach that point. Knowing or not. Believe me it's better not knowing. Some say knowing is better then not knowing. I believe that saying for this case does not apply. If you know, time becomes slower. It's like everything stopped and you are falling down. Never hitting the ground and thinking about the fall, while falling. The touch in the air is slowly killing you, without realizing. I don't think that I can be happy, I can only be less miserably. Never think too much.

Michael

She Is Back...

Vstavljen in zamaknjen v teh dneh. Zamišljen in umirjen. Kaj je boljšega kot brez pretvarjanja iti ven? Razumem njeno ustvarjalnost in domišljijo. Počutim se edinega v okolici kateri se zna poenotiti z njo.

Spet in spet mi ne gre iz glave. Dnevi se več ne začnejo z njo. A dan poteka z njo v moji glavi. In zdaj jo spet vidim. Sedim, pijem, se pogovarjam in se pokaže. Okolica me več ne zanima. Zafustriran ker vse kar lahko jo gledam. Čeprav zadovoljen, je vseeno preveč neizobraženo in takoj neham. Pokažem, da sem jo zaznal in jo opazil. Zapustim misel, a njena preprostost je neverjetna in kot senca, me misel nanjo ne zapusti kar takoj. Plesati brez smisla, nima smisla. Tako, da povem. Spet je nazaj. Odkar vem, da se počutim kot kup ne produktivnega materiala, kadar ni dan povezan z njo, se sploh ne obremenjujem kako se zbudim zjutraj. Dan nima smisla in dan nima glave in repa. Vse kar lahko kontroliram je radij en meter okoli mene. To je nekaj časa veljalo. Zdaj, nič več, ona je v meni. Konec. Ne vem kaj naj naredim.

Presenečen od prejšnjih ur, se počutim kot nov. Nekaj sem dal ven, nekaj sem sprejel. Kot vsak rabim samostojnost in prevzetnost. Rabim čustva in mirnost. Čustva prevladajo povsod in se z njimi povežem kot telefon s polnilcem.

Enkrat tako, drugič drugače. Neobjavljeno je sedaj objavljeno. Brez pričakovanj, se veselim dneve razočaranj.

Miha

No Sound But The Wind

On that winter day, blessed and compelled, I wonder the alone streets of New City. Snow and wind produced the sound of gold. I had no words with hum I could describe the beauty, which was only seen by my eyes. Trying to seek some meaning in it, was a true mistake that I made. Rather to enjoy, I went looking for a bigger thing. A mistake, I will not make twice. Nothing but white, my eyes where gassing on, no foot steps, just simple perfection. Everybody obsessed with perfection, but when it is right in front of there eyes, no body wants to take time to look at it. How I hate one minded people. Nothing can change there life but death. Always the difference maker. Why can't be something simple as that be the problem solver. Nothing will ever change if people that can't limit theme selfs will talk. And that is the easiest thing in the world. Communication. Talk.

Human emotions are a strange weapon, yet very powerful. Experience the present facts as they are. Except, understand and know the in and out of a human emotions. You and your emotions are guiding you through your everyday activities. Don't trust people, trust emotion.

It's a shame to be so great about something that nobody cares about.

Michael

Stand With Me

Anticipation is growing. Filed with energy and good thinking. The energy of darkness and thoughts to desire pain. Now waking up is awesome. Like I am in a different world, a world of endless party's in my head. Seduced with empathy. With that I am starting to learn about my greatness. And the greatness that is this place of endless fields of trouble. But now trouble is viewed in a stronger and more philosophical way. It's an alter state of mind. It's like I was High all the time. Never worried about anything and not always but occasionally smiling. Still capably of producing real feelings, but not troubled with theme. Not in a worry to share them. In a place and time it will benefit me. Realize that I don't want to be a fighter. This is my decade. A decade of getting in touch of my spirit, my dark and beautiful spirit. Fresh new alternatives in my path. Don't think that my path isn't green. Because it is. And here is the problem. Nobody cares, nobody wants to stand with me on my green path surrounded with black light. And if you stand long enough with me, you will found out soon, that it is not dark all the time. You just need to be tolerant. Stand with me and you will see. It's like standing in the dark, if you gave it time you vision gets better.

Michael

In My Place

In this times of uncertainty, I wonder if a change of scenery is a good thing. I have been enjoying this time very much. But it's time for me to get back to my originality. It's time to see in do things in my own way. Locked in a room with nothing but stars on a blue sky. My salvation is in words, not people. With words I need to spent some quality time. In the future I'll need people to co exist, but now it's time for solitude and words. How to describe my ongoings, how to decide on matters that are crucial for me, how to express my troubled mind?

Pasting time without gravity. In the air falling down, No control, in constant fear to suddenly crash and hit the destination, it's my biggest weakness. No awareness of when it's going to happen. Only concerns are if it's going to hurt, how it's going to hurt and if I will be able to live. Over berried mind gives me headache. No pill can destroy this agony. Relax they say. My subconscious won't let me. Never have a powerful mind like my. It doesn't let you sleep. It also doesn't let you function around people. It is making you undesirably.

In my blog there is only one thing that hasn't been disused. And soon it will be. And when it's going to be, if it's absurd for you, if it's to much. Pleas stop reading. I think it is nothing wrong to wonder about it. It just means that you have a wide perspective on life.

Michael

Normal's overrated.

Surprised by thinking of others. Especially by one, who I thought had deep thoughts. From some one, that understands that normal's overrated. The one who challenged me to be different. I all ready know that nobody cares, but she surprised me in a big way. Now I really know that I am a waist of time. I don't want her or your pity. I just want understanding that people get there juices flown in a different way. And she doesn't. I am a guy who can't function well in life but can in art. When I have nothing to write, I got nothing to do. I get nervous and annoying. My mind stops and my thoughts become silent. My heart starts to beat really fast, and everything around me doesn't have sense. Is that normal? The real trick is that I don't have to write, literary. I write in my head, even if it's in my imagination. It has to be in constant movement. Or else I ask my self a question, Who are you? I'm not normal. That is for sure.

Michael

Really, Nobody Cares.

With constant noise in my head and my room, I live the days of weirdness. Bless to have a chance, but annoyed that are possibility's out there unexplored. Decision that I start to write my blog in English wasn't hard. I want to expand my horizon. I want to get into the market of writing in a bigger picture. So I am sorry if you don't like that. My thoughts are all ready in English, so why not write them like they come to me, that is my thinking. Put theme how they come out and don't make theme different. Or something like that. With pleasure I envy people for there simplicity. Nobody really cares. My invisibility feels stronger then ever. My creativity is not appreciated. Not comfortable with that. But if I started to push things, I loose my character. And I am not me no more. Right now finishing is the key. To many people like me, but still not recognized. Still not appreciated, for the work we put in the world. Still left alone to wonder the wonderful love. On the bridge, with rain and with the most beautiful song in the world. You belong to me. Not swallowed by the sea. Courages enough to admit that I have gravity problems. Yet, still no answer.

Michael

In Search Of Insperado

The days are longer, not sure if am comfortable with that. I had an artistic break. Try to release my non productivity for a couple of hours. It turned out it was for days. The release was fast but not officiant. It's easy to be in this world, it's hard to come out. And to stay out.

Soon it's going to be a new start. A start of a business, which I am going to be a part of. It's terrifying. I had start doing research, and found out that there is a lot competition. And a lot of good one. The creativity that they have shown, it's amazing. To found my self in this place, to be that good. I'll have to found my own thing. I haven't found it yet. Can I even be that good? Yes, but the search for greatness is not going well. I am in a verge of destroying my creativity.

So that is why I haven't been writing for last days. I try to completely put my self in a place where I don't exist. Go some where that is not my home. Mentally and physical. With out any results I come back. Humiliated on not successfully returned as a winner.

I hate waking up in the dark and I hate being to long in the light. Not exempting the dark and light. I found that the best ideas come, when your not paying attention. I did that. No effect. But not losing hope is my best choice to proceed. And research.

Miha

I Am Boring

Misery doesn't like company. It never did. And it never will. Boringness doesn't like company either. And I have boring written all over my face.

Recently I have been shown how boring I am. Nothing puts me off then a big crowd. I get lost in all of the nonsense, face less and meaningless behavior of those people. Can't read them. Can't really know what are they thinking. All I can see is empty minds. Nothing to show to the world but looks. Looks that I don't have. They are the saddest thing to me. People with looks. As much as you put your thought to looks, you should put that thought to thoughts. All I want to know is what is going on from the neck up. How do you think, what are your emphases and your imagination. That is what I want to know. To get to your mind I have to become that crowd that I don't like? I refuse that. Isn't there a another way? Can I avoid that? This is nothing but a game. A game that I don't like and I am not good at it. I am bored just writing it. With no counter of the opposite sex I found another good strong point to hold on to. In mater of seconds I get sick of my self, sick of others. Is wrong to sit still, have a drink and enjoy the people's joy?

It's funny how people use the word fun. The outcome is now different. Now all I want to do is to drink in silence and not have to worry about others. I get a kick out of that. I get ideas that I even wonder where they come from. I can get social but, I won't do the first step. Even if it's loud and people are dancing and drinking, if you see me in the corner alone with a beer. Me and my mind are having a great time. You can join I like company, but I can be alone. Yes I am boring. I know. That is me. How about you? Have you acknowledge that you are more boring then me? You know, everybody is boring, nobody wants to admit that. So am looking for someone who's going to be boring with me. Someone with balls an admit that they are boring to. I am lost in a world where people use the word fun in a different way. And that is why, I am Boring.

Miha

It Suckes

I just discovered something. Dammit, why can't I wonder in the dark and be ignorant like everybody else. How can I pursuit this? It's not impossible but still far from my reach. I hate when stuff like this happen. Why do you thing I'm in such constant pain and misery? I feel like I will never do anything in my life because those things that I desire. Should I even bother telling you. Look Valentine's Day Story, It was a moment of inspiration. I like a lot. It's a short story and I want it to be bigger. Nothing wrong but, they need time. Every story needs time. Three months, six months, a year, maybe even more. Who knows. I got to exited. So I have been writing. I'v got three more stories that I could publish. I'm talking about Valentine's day continuation. But I didn't. Why? At first I didn't know. Now I know. There was to much of me in this guy. The story got boring. I am boring. The story sucked and the performance in my head sucked. So I paced my self and start over. With nothing but the first published story. It's a waiting game right now. And it will take time to put something together. Something good. It doesn't have to be best seller story it has to be good for me. I have to see the purpose to get this story out.

Discovery that I made it's going to be a secret for now. I don't want things to blow out of proportion. It's not the number one thing in my life. But it's defiantly something to consider and to explore the options. And I discovered it while I was writing continuation of Valentines's Day story. It sucked, but I found something that was true about me. As a writer I can let that happen, but as a person I must embrace it. I don't think this is the case right now. I would rather not now. I don't now what to do with it. But that is my problem. The point I'm trying to make here is no forcing and I hate and love that I have so many interests.

Miha

What I Love

Yes. The stage in my life is strange. And you know the status even if you read this for the first time. So am not gonna tell you, what is going on. All I am going to say is it's hard and it's difficult to live with a mind, full of mood swings and story's. But I rather have this then, false believe that everything is OK. I would rather put my self through misery and pain then live in a believe that nothing can't get to me. And I am doing that. Why because when it's all over, I will understand it better. I want to get in and out of this thing, explore it the way that nobody wants to. I want to experience everything in life. That is going to be hard, but I am starting where people don't want to. I mention my mind. I think it's different. That doesn't make me better in any kind a way. It just different. I watch movies that some of you will never heard of, I visit ted.com daily and listen to what some great minds have to say, when I woke up in the morning I like to read the news, even if it's not good, I actually read the paper. I love to run, just run for no reason at all, I love to be alone, not a lot of people understand that, I love people that appreciate silence, I love people that have a passion and they like to talk about it, I love a good listener, I love people that are not afraid of being wrong, I love punctuality, I love the sense of urgency, I love the sound of a guitar, I love the sound of a piano, I love a good voice of a singer in a band, I love music, I love the 70's rock, I love romance, I love creativity, I love dancing and I love to write. I love a good performance. I love a woman with needs, I love a woman that doesn't like to play games, I love a woman that could make her own decisions regard the topic.

You know what I don't think that I am different. I think the difference, right now I hate that word, is that I process in my own way. I love the speculation in my brain. No stuff is better then your own. I made it my own. I like it untouched. I like it raw. For some undisclosed reason I love the sky that am under. Most of the time it's cloudy and rainy, but it's awesome. It's mine.

I love a hundred other things, my attention was not to tell those things. Am not shore what my attention is. All I know, I don't want to be average. Above, less average that is a judgement call. Sometimes happiness has to be earned and sometimes... you have to learn to love what is good for you. I don't want to force things. I only force words, they need to come out, no matter the outcome. The other stuff those will happen, if not so be it.

Miha

The Moment That Would Make A Difference...It Doesn't Have To Be Good, It Has To Be Mine.

Postajam grd, nepotrpežljiv in nesramen. Vse je v redu, dokler ne ostanem sam. Hitro nastane prevelika množica ljudi. In še hitreje se počutim neudobno. Sovražim se bolj in bolj vsak dan. A ne morem si pomagati. Hočem trpeti, tako se vsaj počutim živega. Tako saj vem, da obstajam. Samota. Kot neznana bolezen je prišla vame. V meni je hrane dovolj z njeno rast. In tako jo je nemogoče ozdraviti. Sem človek z stranskimi učinki, ki nikoli ne ponehajo. Hodim po stezi brez gledalcev. Še sam ne vem, če jih hočem, a z njimi si nimam kaj pomagati. So kot prazen list papirja. Edini stik, ki ga imam z realnostjo je samota. In je moja izbira življenja. Sigurno ni bila dve leti nazaj. A zdaj je. Dovolj imam vseh klišejev in velikih čred ljudi, kateri mi vzamejo vse najpomembnejše. Dovolj imam stika z ljudmi. Ne rabim ga. Kot nekoč, ko sem mislil, da je rešitelj mojih težav. Javljal se bom na klice, a prosim brez velikih pričakovanj. Zagledan v noč. Šele zdaj razumem pomen gravitacije. Nočem lebdeti, hočem biti prisoten z gravitacijo. Hočem leteti. Hočem leteti dol. Kamor vse podzavestno vleče. Jaz hočem dol zavestno. Ampak počasi kot peresce, hočem da me veter še malo obrača. A nočem da me predolgo, hočem se odločiti sam, kdaj pristanem.

Intenzivno delovanje prstov mi je osnova za bivanje. In tako se učim. Kakor vi v šoli, se učite veščin delovanja v zunanjem svetu, se jaz tukaj učim veščino, ki me nekoč pelje v zadovoljivo življenje. SPROŽILNI MOMENT močno pretrese ravnovesje sil v protagonistovem življenju. Zdaj čakam svoj moment in ni važno kakšen je.

Miha

Angr

Preklet v tem ne ustvarjalnem svetu, ki je okoli mene. Zaprt in nedotaknjen, vsako jutro norim, ko se zbudim. Izžarevam od navdušenja za ustvarjanje. Obdan z ljudmi, ki so se preveč prepustili toku. Jezen ker ni zraven mene še nekoga isto mislečega. Kot vedno, sam. Zakaj še nimam življenja ki ga nekateri pričakujejo? Ker se upiram. Tako potujem z mislimi tam, kjer mi je najlepše. Sovražim okolico, katera je obsedena s tem kar piše na papirju. Tam ni nikoli nobenih pravih odgovorov. Iz lista je težko prebrat kaj si. Sovražim, kjer trenutno sem. Tu doma. Nič nimam. Sem človek brez materialnih imetij in čustev. Vse kar sem je to, da sem človek zanimivih misli. Kaj naj s tem? Tam zunaj svet, kjer ni treba, da sam odkriješ svoj talent. Samo zanimanje si pokazal in že so se manjše priložnosti odprle. Tu sem bil prepuščen samemu sebi. Vsi me sprašujejo kaj hočem delati, postati. Kaj je tisto, ki me vznemiri? Kakor, da sam dovolj ne vpijem? Ostali so imeli kazatelje poti. Samo obrniti ga je bilo treba v pravo smer. Pa če tudi samo za centimeter. Šola nič, samo vprašanja. Doma, nič, samo vprašanja in konstantno negiranje. Kakor, da ni nihče opazil že od mladosti kaj sem najraje počel. Ne. Sam. Zaključek šole. Naenkrat najdem tisto kar mi kri požene po žilah. sovražim, ko me ljudje sprašujejo kaj bi rad počel. Tisti trenutek bi te udaril. Nimaš kaj drugega za vprašat? Bodi tiho! In to samo zaradi tega, ker so odzivi na moje odgovore bili, fantastično neumni. Trenutno se lahko spomnim samo eno osebo, kateri odziv je bil spoštovanja vreden. Edini, ki me vpraša, kako je z zasledovanjem sanj. Edini ki je vreden moje besede. Jeza, me obdaja zadnje čase, bolj kot sem si mislil.Bolj kot na vas, svet, sem jezen nase. Ker si nisem mogel izbrati bolj dosegljiv cilj. Nekaj lahko dosegljivega. Že od malih nog se spominjam, da sem težje stvari se najprej loteval. Težko je živeti z večjo domišljijo kot vsi ostali. Z domišljijo, ki ti ne da miru. Včasih neznosno. Moja domišljija trpi v človeku kot sem jaz. Trenutno zguba z dobrim srcem. Če vzamete stran domišljijo, sem samo zguba.

Miha

An Old Man With An Act

Jaz mislim, da nimam več kaj za povedati. Prazen čustev, katerih več ne čutim. Od vsega tega soočanja z njimi. Počutim se kot starec. Starec katerega so čustva izmučile do onemoglosti. Starec, ki je doživel ter začutil praktično vse kar se da. Izumrla čustva so odraz moje slabosti in moje osamljenosti. Izumrla čustva so poenostavila bivanje. Ne reagiranje in ne odzivanje so posledica tega. Odmik od sveta se mi zdi edini možni izhod. Moram nekam, kjer sem še bolj sam. Nekam kjer moram skrbeti sam zase. V prostor, kjer je lahko cel dan tema. In to na izbiro. Res je, igral sem. Samo za vas. Vsa čustva v meni so zaigrana. Igram najboljšo igro življenja. Za tako dober nastop ni nagrade. In edino nagrado, ki si jo zaslužim je samota. Zakaj torej pišem? Pišem, ker so tu čustva, še najbližjem temu kar morajo biti. Nekakšen približek, kako drugi na vse to razmišljajo. Všeč mi je. Čeprav nočem čutiti vsega kar čutijo ostali. In zadnje čase je moja igra še boljša. In v zameno dobim nove zamisli za nove vloge. Popolnost je ključ do uspeha. Zmeraj iščem popolnost in poskušam kakšno stvari narediti dvakrat. Samo, da vidim kje sem ga polomil. Da bolje vem za naslednjič.

Če prodam svojo igro, izgubi smisel? Izgubi svojo dušo? Nevem, a vem to, da jo nekdo nekoč bo kupil. In jaz ji bom predal vso svoje delo. Prepustil se ji bom, da z mojim delom dela kar hoče. V zameno hočem samo razumevanje. Razumevanje, zakaj sem ves ta čas to delal.

In igra se nadaljuje.

Still Here M.W.

Writing and Shooting

I am not saying that I'm not happy. I am just saying it could be better. With words of people that experience life in a full way. I seek comfort. I am stuck on this island and i just want to progress. Reach the things that you desire, but also enjoy the process. The process will give you the satisfaction, that you desperately want. You now think that I have figured out everything. Not at all. I 'm probably the last one who's going to figured it out. But I 'll try to enjoy the process. I want different journeys in my life. That is what I have been lacking. What I mean by that is not to visit a lot different country's. Yeah it would be fun. But I'm talking about a journey to independence. A journey to meet some one special. These will sound sleazy, but it's the truth. I want to breath in every day. Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.

We can not tear out a single page of our lives, but we can throw a hole book in the fire. I wake up in the morning and all I can think about is writing and shooting things with a camera. The world is often unkind to new talent, to new creations. Not a lot of people defend those things. And the new needs friends. I think i haven't reach my potential. Yet. Maybe I'll never reach it. But right now that is what is making me happy. Writing.

A lot of things are easy to say and hard to do. For a big part I have been a talker. But talker in my own way. A silent talker. I won't quit.

Still Here M.W.

Happy But At The Same Time Boring State Of Mind

Presenetljivo dobre volje. Kar ni tako pogosto zame. In takoj nastane problem.

V tem stanju redko bivam. Nakar se odločim, da poskušam kaj napisati. Sam pri sebi si pravim, zanimivo. Ampak ni. Vesel, da sem vesel. A to ni prostor za pisanje. Ni isto. Tako je kot, da bi prvič prišel v službo in ne veš kje imaš kakšno stvar. Kakor, da bi v pripravljanici zelenjave iskal meso. Ne gre. Čeprav bi rad pobrskal po prostoru, ne morem ker nisem v njem dovolj dolgo. A dovol dolgo, da vidim, da je v njem tudi zmeda. Polen pričakovanj, kaj mi bo prostor ponudil, s takim zanimanjem se spravim k delu. In potem razočaranje. Nevem kaj naj si mislim. Zgleda, da ne fukcioniram normalno če ni stanje depresivno. No depresivno. Jaz ji pravim lahka depresija. In tam fajn. Jaz se mam fajn. Samo gibanje je drugačno, sam proces je bolj zanimiv. Vse je bolj fascinanto. Ko misliš, da si prišel do dna in odkriješ nov level. Pa to so super občutki. Ko se v glavi odvijajo filmi kot so to, da cel dan govoriš angleško z indijskem naglasom in naokoli govoriš, da so pri tebi doma indijski dnevi. In pri tem se seveda zabavaš. Kaj čš lepšga. Bom povedal na glas in razločno. Naj že izgine to veselje. Dovolj ga je bilo. Pogrešam dneve, v katerih štejem sekunde in se počutim kot drek.

Still Here M.W.

The Light With Dust

Z navidezno lučjo nad glavo, se potikam po stanovanju. Ampak sveti samo meni. Vsi drugi so jo ugasnili. Nihče noče stati pod mojo lučjo. Ne onesnažuje okolice, samo sveti vsak dan z drugo barvo. Nimam nadzora nad barvo. Kakor nimam nadzora nad črno lučjo. Je najpogostejša. Je pa najbolj naravna. Z tako čudovitim dnevom, se nisem mogel sprijazniti. Nikakor se nisem mogel izenačiti znjim, nikakor ga danes nisem razumel. Bil je odveč. Vsa ta odvečna nadloga se mi je zrušila na glavo. In počutje je božansko.

Zaljubljen v nadlogo, se spravim, spontanemu razmišljanju. Takoj vzamem list papirja in pisalo. Opravilu se spravim na star način. Tako kot moji predhodniki. Nekaj hitrih misli, od včerajšnega večernega pogovora samim seboj in takoj prazen list papirja postane črn. Črn, črnih misli. A dovolj dober, da nad menoj posije nova barva. Popisan papir pustim na mizi. In se osredotočim na mirno glasbo. Šibkost včerejšnega večera se prelevi v občutek ubdobja. Končno zapuščen. Kakor prah na že dolgo nebrani knjigi.

Still Here M.W.

I Don't Need The One, I Just Need One

Zasanjan na sprehodu, gledam naravo in razumem njeno magijo. Ne hodim dolgo, a dovolj dolgo sedim, da vidim to po kar sem prišel. Čeprav nevedoč kaj iščem, ko sem se odpravil. Sem navdušen nad rezultatom, čeprav niso nič vesele narave.

Sedim. Osredotočim se na okolico. Jo poslušam in se znjo učim. In tako mi v glavi pridrvijo zamisli. Nekdo sedi poleg mene. Sedi je tiho in me gleda. Je brez čustev in emociji. Sedi in si misli svoje. Jaz jo gledam nazaj. Vidim dušo in ne telo. Brez besed sva in poslušava okolico. Smeh nazunaj, jeza notri. Počasi sporočilo dobiva obliko. Kar naenkrat se začnejo kazati različni obrazi. Obraze, ki sem jih hotel poznati. Obraze, ki sem jih poznal. Začutim poznan vonj, zaslišim šepet in občutim razliko na svojem obrazu. Jeza na ven, smeh notri. Odprem oči in zgledajo kot sanje. Vse postane realno, vse se lahko skoraj dotakneš. Izgubim potrpljenje. Poskušam nazaj na klopco. Poskušam vstaviti to umetno srečo. Ne gre z lahka. Nakar slišim otročji zvok, ki je glasnejši z vsakim korakom. In tako izginejo te sanje. Spet sam. Nevem če se počutim bolje, nevem če je bilo tu sploh kakšno sporočilo. Težavnostna stopnja življenja se je dvignila. Močno. Zanima me kako bi bilo pisanje drugačno. Kakšne besede, bi izbiral? Ha, mislim, da bom še nekaj časa v nevednosti.

Still Here M.W.

Lost

Zavedem se dogodkov, ki se dogajajo okoli mene. Zavedam se kje živim. Poznam slabosti, poznam pozitivne stvari. Pa mi to kaj pomaga? Nevem kako naj si predstavljam svojo prihodnost. Z vsem spoznanjem, ki ga imam okoli sebe, se počutim izgubljeno. Kot zmeraj o tem razmišljam. Ne bilo lažje vse pustiti? Rabim nov navdih. Prejšni me je zdaj zapustil. Spopadam se z idejo, kaj če bi kaj storil? Ah, nič ne pomaga. Zmeraj ostane ideja zapisana in izrečena tam, kjer ni razultatov. Zdaj iščem nov navdih. Se kdo javi? Zanimivo, da je ta navdih dolgo trajal. Ponavadi izvlečem iz njega kar se da in ga pustim. Ona pa je kar trajala. Nič bat. Sem že navajen. A zmeraj je en občutek iz katerega izhajam. Ta nikoli ne umre. Navdihuje tudi, ko se ne zavedam. Depresija je obvezna. Vidim stvari iz drugačne perspektive in mi daje nov pogleda na ves ta ''smisel''. Kako hitro lahko skočim v ta svet, je neverjetno. Enkrat gledam nekaj kar oddali od sveta z bolečo dušo in telesom, takoj ko je konec. Sem že v tistem svetu katerega, se vsi izogibajo. Sem zapornik. Z omejenim prostorm v katerem lahko delujem. Ko poskušam kaj doseči kar je normalno. Me nekaj povleče nazaj. Se ne pritožujem. Čustvo, ki je zmeraj ob meni je jeza. Jezen samo nase. Kakor da že ni samo po sebi teško, so jutra še težja. Včasih so mi delale težave misli, zdaj že telo zavrača idejo o vstajanju. Gre na slabše. Tako slabo je, da sem že izgubljen v svojem svetu. Ne sovražim sveta, sovražim samo sebe. In svoje nezmogljivosti.

Still Here M.W.

Valentine's Day Story Is More Then It Appears. It's A Suffering.

Kakor, da je minila cela večnost. Čeprav sta minila točno dva dneva, šestnajst ur, trinajst minut, in štiriintrideset sekund. Gledam televizijo. Nič ne pomaga. Ura še vedno prepočasi bije naprej. Po dogodku sem se odpravil v trgovino in sem kupil ure. Veliko ur. Postavil sem jih povsod v stanovanju. Zakaj? Zato, da še bolj boli. Ker si to zaslužim. Torej, zdaj kamor koli so postavim v stanavanju vidim čas, ki je premenil od dogodka. Vse ure sem natančno nastavil. In vse bijejo enako. Čas tokrat ne bo zacelil rane. Tu je samo, da me spominja.

Živim v centru mesta. Redki vedo, da kdo tu sploh stanuje. Še celo poštarji včasih zgrešijo naslov. Odsoten od sveta v katerem zame zaenkrat ni prostora, sem se odočil, da ne spremenim ničesar. Spreminjati stvari pomeni, da bo drugače. Nočem, da je drugače kot zadnji mesec. Hočem trpeti. V trpljenju vidim tisto kar zdaj potrebuje. Čeprav nekaj kar človek najmanj potrebuje je trpljenje.

A vseeno. Nadaljujem ponedeljek kakor, da je čisto vsak. Spim skoraj da nič, torej se že zgodaj zjutraj vstanem iz postelje in se odpravim pod tuš. Začutim hlad, ki me obdaja. Začutim svežino na obrazu, ki me žge. Žge me misel nanjo. Žge me njena hladnokrvnost, do tega kar mi je naredila. Ta trenutek čutim žgočo sovraštvo do nje, a ne za dolgo. Zaprem hladen tuš in se umirim. Spet mi pride in skače po glavi. Ne moreš tako čudovitega obraza sovražiti. To ne gre.

Se oblečem v stare kavbojke, majico z napisom ''Life Sucks''. Saj ne, da bi hotel obleči to majico. Bila je prva na vrhu in jo preprosto oblečem. Ironija pa takšna. In podam se na ulice. Ulice praznosti. Še prezgodaj da bi v takem mestu kaj zaživelo. A počutim se kot doma. Ura je šest zjutraj. In jaz pred vrati svoje knjigarne. Čas odprtja 9.00. Čeprav, do tega trenutka nisem vedel zakaj sem že prišel tako zgodaj, sem zdaj vedel. Knjiga. In z njo povezane besede, ki se me te čase obdajale. In ena je še posebej močna. Gnus. Prižgem luči in segrevanje. Spominjam se čase znjo v tem malem prostoru. Nikoli ni veliko brala. Jaz pa sem bil nenehno pred knjigo. In ona je tako rada poslušala vse zgodbe in knjige, ki sem jih prebral. Še celo sama jih je nekaj prebrala. Hitro pridem do zaključka. Tri dni ni nihče stopil v knjigarno. Vse je prašno in tako temno. Všeč mi je. Čeprav se zavedam posledic, začnem z brisanjem prahu.

Pred dvemi leti sem odprel to malo knjigarno. Zanimivo je to, da sem zmeraj imel rad knjige. A nikoli pretirano veliko bral. Zašel sem v tisto uprašanje v katerega vsi pridemo. Kaj sedaj? In prva stvar na katero sem pomislil je bila knjiga. Nekako je imelo smisel. Čuden smisel, ki ga nekateri ne razumejo. Navsezadnje zdela se mi je prava odločitev. In tako sem našel lep majhen in osvetljen prostor. In v njem sem našel našel smisel.

Končam z brisanjem prahu in takrat slišim trkanje. Tako, kot vsako jutro mi Gregor prinese sveže rogljičke, katere postrežem moje bralce. Na daleč zagledam njegov zaskrbljeni obraz. Čeprav zgleda malce presenečeno se trudi, da bi zgledl čim bolj normalno. Jaz sem vesel, da se je spomnil, čeprav ga nisem poklical kot ponavadi, da se zmeniva koliko mi jih prinese. Odprem vrata in ga pozdravim.

''Hej'' Nikakor ni mogel zadržati nelagodja. Jaz se nisem počutil tako.

''Hej...me nisi nič poklical, pa sm vseeno prišel. Nisem bil prepričan, da boš tukaj''

''Kje drugje pa bom. Hehe''

''Res je, no tu maš rogljičke, pa danes sem še nekaj muffinov naredil. Zdej si pa mudi mamo danes gužvo. Danes je nogomet. Si za?'' Uprašal je z zadržkom.

''Jasno seveda sem za, ob osmih?''

''Ja, ob osmih. Vsi pridejo.''

Tokrat sem bil presenečn, kajti redko smo se vsi zbrali. Pogledam ga malce prestrašeno tudi odgovor je tak. ''Vsi? am...super, se vidimo potem.'' Ne preveč prepričljiv odgovor. Ampak se je znjim zadovoljiv, se poslovil in odšel. Ko sem pospravil rogljičke na toplo, sem ustrašil današnjega večera. Redko smo se zbrali vsi. In nevem če sem bil pripravljen na to. Ne tako hitro. To pomeni da pride tudi Maja, Petra in Janez. To mi ni všeč. In tako mi je bila spet ona v mislih. Saj ne, da ni zmeraj. A tokrat sem obstal na mestu, nisem bil aktiven. Tam sem se vsaj zamotil in nisem tako intezivno razmišljal o njej. Spomini nanjo me bodo počasi in zanesljivo poneseli v prepad. Njen stisk roke, me lahko edino reši pred skokom. Njene mehke in čutne roke, nikoli pregrobe. Upam, da ne bo nikogar zraven mene, ko bom začev padati. Nočem vedeti, da padam. Hočem biti sam v zraku. In hočem imeti samo njo v mislih. Nikogar, ki bi me povlekel nazaj. Kako naj najdem dobro misel, če je moj smisel življenja odšel.

Nisem še pripravljen, biti obdan z publiko. Prehitro. Preveč nerazumevanja publike ocenjevanja. Sovražim ljudi z preveč površja. S temi ljudmi bom obdan, če ostanem.

Hitro vzamem stvari, jih vržem v torbo. Se hitro vstanem, v glavi se mi zavrti. Super, še to mi manjka. Kakor, da se mi že ne vrti dovolj. Brez ravnotežja, odplešem proti vratom. Zaklenim, in pokličem Saro. Sara mi pomaga pri upravljanju knjigarne. Dekle s predstavo, dekle brez katere nebi zmogel. Ve veliko več ,kot jaz, o knjigah in že to je glavni razlog zakaj sem ji ponudil to delo. Končam, pošljem. Upam na pozitiven odgovor, čeprav ne pričakujem odziva na telefon. Trenutno ne morem biti zdraven. In mislim, da to ona razume.

Odpravim tisto, kar je ostalo od mene proti domu. Brez vednosti kaj bom storil zvečer. Samo vem, da je prehitro. Ona me obdaja z barvami. Čeprav trenutno s črnimi, se morem obdajati, z nečim kar je nesrečno. Rabim samoto. Upam, da je jutri nebom čutil kakor danes. Ne verjamem, da bo tako.

Sem doma, zdaj pred odločitvijo ali grem ali ne. Kaj je bolje, bolečina, ali nekaj kar me predstavi nečim še bližje njeni predstavnosti. Brez odločitve obstanem pred vrati. Potrkati? Nevem. Dvignem roko in...

Still Here M.W.