Don't Loose The Number

I got a number that could possibly and hopefully change my life. An unexpected call turned into good news. Nothing is set yet, or approved. But it's a start. The first audition. The opportunity is here. Let's bring our game. It's win or loose. Make or break. You get the point. All the boring sentences come in my head. It's just something I wanted for a long time. That is way I can't find the right words to manufacture the joy that is in me. Anxiously I wait for the day in hopes of some closer to my meaning of life. Maybe I wandered to far. It's just an audition. But, imagine this. All I ever wanted is an audition. And the the one thing that you desire the most on this planet comes to terms. What's the right response? I think it's celebration. Modest celebration, there is still work to be done. But a joy has been woken up in me. I have't experience that kind a joy in a long time. The last time I remember it was the time, I realize what do I want to do in my life. That was seven years ago. And I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I hope this day will also be so mind blowing. So until next good news...

Just Mike.

Should I Stay, Or Should I Go?

Half the World Away. Do I have to go so far, to get some closer, meaning, some satisfaction? I fell all ready empty, does it matter where I am? Exceptions can be good sometimes. Or at least give it a try. The fear of felling is not here. But a fear of honesty and appreciation of the age. I did't do it intentionality, I did it because time let me. All the call ups and the smiles after. And then I got a reply. A short, disturbed, but honest. I surely can't find some one that has my potential of thinking, what next. Some times those are the worst or at least, you get disappointed when you realize there's thinking. Am I making any sense? Ah... The problem is my aging, and her lack of experience in life. Or the other way around? My attention was never this. My confusion.I don't know the opposite side, but I know shit when I see it. But still I am not making out of it too much.

I'm roting in this home, no wonder I get paranormal activity. That's it, I am done for the day. Let's go do a stretch.

Just Mike.

Fixing, Updating Or Premature Crash?

For ever broken. Or partiality fixed. Left in a corner because it got too boring to fix someone like me. Or was it fixing? For all I know it could be an update. And it's taking a long time. All I know something is missing. Predictable. But expected. A story of a young and powerful man is slowly getting it's terms right. Am talking about the story I am writing. Or is it just another bug in the system, and I can't tell from reality and fiction, and needs to be deleted? Where is my 2. am call? I had one. I wonder If I made a mistake? Come on it was two am in the morning. Or just another virus in my hardware? I am a guy with a desire to say something out loud but never finds the words, when the time is right. Maybe I am filled with a Trojan horse virus? And it's waiting for those moments. Besides the honesty that is in me, I feel the need of selfishness. Is that a word or my vocabulary hasn't been updated? But how can you be selfish, if you got nothing? Selfish can't come from nothing.

Just like Jack in the search of a chest, I can't find the thing that I want. So I lean on others. But in my case, others are letting me down. My capability to deceive others is not that good, as Jack's.

Reading others. A skill that should be deleted. But it won't be. I just don't have that luck. Soon realizing, after talking to someone, that they just don't understand. Or at least listen and appreciate what has been told. Even if it's not understand.

I like that I don't talk that much. Talk is overrated. You can say so much more with silence and looks. And the words that matter to me, come out on a paper. And those are the one that I count. My dreams and innocent thoughts will continue for ever. I hope those are not deleted. Or else my existing is irrelevant. Dreams and thoughts is who I am. For all I know I don't need fixing or updating. But everyone is saying the system will crash if I don't do something. What is the right solution? Fixing, updating or premature crashing?

Just Mike

I've Got Nothing

Nobody wants to participate in my depression. It wasn't five minutes and I all ready hated everything. I rather shoot my self in the leg then be here. But I don't have a gun. All I do have is my denial twist. The more I denial my potential for better, the more I fall into this great thing I call nothing. Somethings are great when the leadership is good. But certain things are gone, people get too annoying and potentially scared of losing the position. Then things are wrong. I can't live like this any more. The pressure of others and the shit they are dealing with is not my problem. And I don't care for anything. I've got nothing. If it comes to it I will kill you. Metaphorically? Capability level low, but sometimes high. It depends, on what I don't know, but it depends. Is there any alteration to this story? It needs to come fast. Youth is wasted on the young. Let's go further. Life is wasted on people. Eureka should be my next word. But it just doesn't comes. Even if you say it out loud in hopes that something will come to you when are you saying it. No, it just gives you a slap on the face. A back hand slap. A more profound and embarrassing one. Clearly my vision is broken. Like my heart. A message was interfered and read to early. Depression is my only friend. And he is back again. Words twisted, life wasted on twist. Just go out on the streets and play music. If I would know how, I will. But all I got are words and nobody wants to listen or read these days. What I want from you? Nothing. Because I've got nothing for you. At least those are the beliefs, that you are selling.

Just Mike