Really, Nobody Cares.

With constant noise in my head and my room, I live the days of weirdness. Bless to have a chance, but annoyed that are possibility's out there unexplored. Decision that I start to write my blog in English wasn't hard. I want to expand my horizon. I want to get into the market of writing in a bigger picture. So I am sorry if you don't like that. My thoughts are all ready in English, so why not write them like they come to me, that is my thinking. Put theme how they come out and don't make theme different. Or something like that. With pleasure I envy people for there simplicity. Nobody really cares. My invisibility feels stronger then ever. My creativity is not appreciated. Not comfortable with that. But if I started to push things, I loose my character. And I am not me no more. Right now finishing is the key. To many people like me, but still not recognized. Still not appreciated, for the work we put in the world. Still left alone to wonder the wonderful love. On the bridge, with rain and with the most beautiful song in the world. You belong to me. Not swallowed by the sea. Courages enough to admit that I have gravity problems. Yet, still no answer.

Michael

In Search Of Insperado

The days are longer, not sure if am comfortable with that. I had an artistic break. Try to release my non productivity for a couple of hours. It turned out it was for days. The release was fast but not officiant. It's easy to be in this world, it's hard to come out. And to stay out.

Soon it's going to be a new start. A start of a business, which I am going to be a part of. It's terrifying. I had start doing research, and found out that there is a lot competition. And a lot of good one. The creativity that they have shown, it's amazing. To found my self in this place, to be that good. I'll have to found my own thing. I haven't found it yet. Can I even be that good? Yes, but the search for greatness is not going well. I am in a verge of destroying my creativity.

So that is why I haven't been writing for last days. I try to completely put my self in a place where I don't exist. Go some where that is not my home. Mentally and physical. With out any results I come back. Humiliated on not successfully returned as a winner.

I hate waking up in the dark and I hate being to long in the light. Not exempting the dark and light. I found that the best ideas come, when your not paying attention. I did that. No effect. But not losing hope is my best choice to proceed. And research.

Miha

I Am Boring

Misery doesn't like company. It never did. And it never will. Boringness doesn't like company either. And I have boring written all over my face.

Recently I have been shown how boring I am. Nothing puts me off then a big crowd. I get lost in all of the nonsense, face less and meaningless behavior of those people. Can't read them. Can't really know what are they thinking. All I can see is empty minds. Nothing to show to the world but looks. Looks that I don't have. They are the saddest thing to me. People with looks. As much as you put your thought to looks, you should put that thought to thoughts. All I want to know is what is going on from the neck up. How do you think, what are your emphases and your imagination. That is what I want to know. To get to your mind I have to become that crowd that I don't like? I refuse that. Isn't there a another way? Can I avoid that? This is nothing but a game. A game that I don't like and I am not good at it. I am bored just writing it. With no counter of the opposite sex I found another good strong point to hold on to. In mater of seconds I get sick of my self, sick of others. Is wrong to sit still, have a drink and enjoy the people's joy?

It's funny how people use the word fun. The outcome is now different. Now all I want to do is to drink in silence and not have to worry about others. I get a kick out of that. I get ideas that I even wonder where they come from. I can get social but, I won't do the first step. Even if it's loud and people are dancing and drinking, if you see me in the corner alone with a beer. Me and my mind are having a great time. You can join I like company, but I can be alone. Yes I am boring. I know. That is me. How about you? Have you acknowledge that you are more boring then me? You know, everybody is boring, nobody wants to admit that. So am looking for someone who's going to be boring with me. Someone with balls an admit that they are boring to. I am lost in a world where people use the word fun in a different way. And that is why, I am Boring.

Miha

It Suckes

I just discovered something. Dammit, why can't I wonder in the dark and be ignorant like everybody else. How can I pursuit this? It's not impossible but still far from my reach. I hate when stuff like this happen. Why do you thing I'm in such constant pain and misery? I feel like I will never do anything in my life because those things that I desire. Should I even bother telling you. Look Valentine's Day Story, It was a moment of inspiration. I like a lot. It's a short story and I want it to be bigger. Nothing wrong but, they need time. Every story needs time. Three months, six months, a year, maybe even more. Who knows. I got to exited. So I have been writing. I'v got three more stories that I could publish. I'm talking about Valentine's day continuation. But I didn't. Why? At first I didn't know. Now I know. There was to much of me in this guy. The story got boring. I am boring. The story sucked and the performance in my head sucked. So I paced my self and start over. With nothing but the first published story. It's a waiting game right now. And it will take time to put something together. Something good. It doesn't have to be best seller story it has to be good for me. I have to see the purpose to get this story out.

Discovery that I made it's going to be a secret for now. I don't want things to blow out of proportion. It's not the number one thing in my life. But it's defiantly something to consider and to explore the options. And I discovered it while I was writing continuation of Valentines's Day story. It sucked, but I found something that was true about me. As a writer I can let that happen, but as a person I must embrace it. I don't think this is the case right now. I would rather not now. I don't now what to do with it. But that is my problem. The point I'm trying to make here is no forcing and I hate and love that I have so many interests.

Miha

What I Love

Yes. The stage in my life is strange. And you know the status even if you read this for the first time. So am not gonna tell you, what is going on. All I am going to say is it's hard and it's difficult to live with a mind, full of mood swings and story's. But I rather have this then, false believe that everything is OK. I would rather put my self through misery and pain then live in a believe that nothing can't get to me. And I am doing that. Why because when it's all over, I will understand it better. I want to get in and out of this thing, explore it the way that nobody wants to. I want to experience everything in life. That is going to be hard, but I am starting where people don't want to. I mention my mind. I think it's different. That doesn't make me better in any kind a way. It just different. I watch movies that some of you will never heard of, I visit ted.com daily and listen to what some great minds have to say, when I woke up in the morning I like to read the news, even if it's not good, I actually read the paper. I love to run, just run for no reason at all, I love to be alone, not a lot of people understand that, I love people that appreciate silence, I love people that have a passion and they like to talk about it, I love a good listener, I love people that are not afraid of being wrong, I love punctuality, I love the sense of urgency, I love the sound of a guitar, I love the sound of a piano, I love a good voice of a singer in a band, I love music, I love the 70's rock, I love romance, I love creativity, I love dancing and I love to write. I love a good performance. I love a woman with needs, I love a woman that doesn't like to play games, I love a woman that could make her own decisions regard the topic.

You know what I don't think that I am different. I think the difference, right now I hate that word, is that I process in my own way. I love the speculation in my brain. No stuff is better then your own. I made it my own. I like it untouched. I like it raw. For some undisclosed reason I love the sky that am under. Most of the time it's cloudy and rainy, but it's awesome. It's mine.

I love a hundred other things, my attention was not to tell those things. Am not shore what my attention is. All I know, I don't want to be average. Above, less average that is a judgement call. Sometimes happiness has to be earned and sometimes... you have to learn to love what is good for you. I don't want to force things. I only force words, they need to come out, no matter the outcome. The other stuff those will happen, if not so be it.

Miha

The Moment That Would Make A Difference...It Doesn't Have To Be Good, It Has To Be Mine.

Postajam grd, nepotrpežljiv in nesramen. Vse je v redu, dokler ne ostanem sam. Hitro nastane prevelika množica ljudi. In še hitreje se počutim neudobno. Sovražim se bolj in bolj vsak dan. A ne morem si pomagati. Hočem trpeti, tako se vsaj počutim živega. Tako saj vem, da obstajam. Samota. Kot neznana bolezen je prišla vame. V meni je hrane dovolj z njeno rast. In tako jo je nemogoče ozdraviti. Sem človek z stranskimi učinki, ki nikoli ne ponehajo. Hodim po stezi brez gledalcev. Še sam ne vem, če jih hočem, a z njimi si nimam kaj pomagati. So kot prazen list papirja. Edini stik, ki ga imam z realnostjo je samota. In je moja izbira življenja. Sigurno ni bila dve leti nazaj. A zdaj je. Dovolj imam vseh klišejev in velikih čred ljudi, kateri mi vzamejo vse najpomembnejše. Dovolj imam stika z ljudmi. Ne rabim ga. Kot nekoč, ko sem mislil, da je rešitelj mojih težav. Javljal se bom na klice, a prosim brez velikih pričakovanj. Zagledan v noč. Šele zdaj razumem pomen gravitacije. Nočem lebdeti, hočem biti prisoten z gravitacijo. Hočem leteti. Hočem leteti dol. Kamor vse podzavestno vleče. Jaz hočem dol zavestno. Ampak počasi kot peresce, hočem da me veter še malo obrača. A nočem da me predolgo, hočem se odločiti sam, kdaj pristanem.

Intenzivno delovanje prstov mi je osnova za bivanje. In tako se učim. Kakor vi v šoli, se učite veščin delovanja v zunanjem svetu, se jaz tukaj učim veščino, ki me nekoč pelje v zadovoljivo življenje. SPROŽILNI MOMENT močno pretrese ravnovesje sil v protagonistovem življenju. Zdaj čakam svoj moment in ni važno kakšen je.

Miha

Angr

Preklet v tem ne ustvarjalnem svetu, ki je okoli mene. Zaprt in nedotaknjen, vsako jutro norim, ko se zbudim. Izžarevam od navdušenja za ustvarjanje. Obdan z ljudmi, ki so se preveč prepustili toku. Jezen ker ni zraven mene še nekoga isto mislečega. Kot vedno, sam. Zakaj še nimam življenja ki ga nekateri pričakujejo? Ker se upiram. Tako potujem z mislimi tam, kjer mi je najlepše. Sovražim okolico, katera je obsedena s tem kar piše na papirju. Tam ni nikoli nobenih pravih odgovorov. Iz lista je težko prebrat kaj si. Sovražim, kjer trenutno sem. Tu doma. Nič nimam. Sem človek brez materialnih imetij in čustev. Vse kar sem je to, da sem človek zanimivih misli. Kaj naj s tem? Tam zunaj svet, kjer ni treba, da sam odkriješ svoj talent. Samo zanimanje si pokazal in že so se manjše priložnosti odprle. Tu sem bil prepuščen samemu sebi. Vsi me sprašujejo kaj hočem delati, postati. Kaj je tisto, ki me vznemiri? Kakor, da sam dovolj ne vpijem? Ostali so imeli kazatelje poti. Samo obrniti ga je bilo treba v pravo smer. Pa če tudi samo za centimeter. Šola nič, samo vprašanja. Doma, nič, samo vprašanja in konstantno negiranje. Kakor, da ni nihče opazil že od mladosti kaj sem najraje počel. Ne. Sam. Zaključek šole. Naenkrat najdem tisto kar mi kri požene po žilah. sovražim, ko me ljudje sprašujejo kaj bi rad počel. Tisti trenutek bi te udaril. Nimaš kaj drugega za vprašat? Bodi tiho! In to samo zaradi tega, ker so odzivi na moje odgovore bili, fantastično neumni. Trenutno se lahko spomnim samo eno osebo, kateri odziv je bil spoštovanja vreden. Edini, ki me vpraša, kako je z zasledovanjem sanj. Edini ki je vreden moje besede. Jeza, me obdaja zadnje čase, bolj kot sem si mislil.Bolj kot na vas, svet, sem jezen nase. Ker si nisem mogel izbrati bolj dosegljiv cilj. Nekaj lahko dosegljivega. Že od malih nog se spominjam, da sem težje stvari se najprej loteval. Težko je živeti z večjo domišljijo kot vsi ostali. Z domišljijo, ki ti ne da miru. Včasih neznosno. Moja domišljija trpi v človeku kot sem jaz. Trenutno zguba z dobrim srcem. Če vzamete stran domišljijo, sem samo zguba.

Miha

An Old Man With An Act

Jaz mislim, da nimam več kaj za povedati. Prazen čustev, katerih več ne čutim. Od vsega tega soočanja z njimi. Počutim se kot starec. Starec katerega so čustva izmučile do onemoglosti. Starec, ki je doživel ter začutil praktično vse kar se da. Izumrla čustva so odraz moje slabosti in moje osamljenosti. Izumrla čustva so poenostavila bivanje. Ne reagiranje in ne odzivanje so posledica tega. Odmik od sveta se mi zdi edini možni izhod. Moram nekam, kjer sem še bolj sam. Nekam kjer moram skrbeti sam zase. V prostor, kjer je lahko cel dan tema. In to na izbiro. Res je, igral sem. Samo za vas. Vsa čustva v meni so zaigrana. Igram najboljšo igro življenja. Za tako dober nastop ni nagrade. In edino nagrado, ki si jo zaslužim je samota. Zakaj torej pišem? Pišem, ker so tu čustva, še najbližjem temu kar morajo biti. Nekakšen približek, kako drugi na vse to razmišljajo. Všeč mi je. Čeprav nočem čutiti vsega kar čutijo ostali. In zadnje čase je moja igra še boljša. In v zameno dobim nove zamisli za nove vloge. Popolnost je ključ do uspeha. Zmeraj iščem popolnost in poskušam kakšno stvari narediti dvakrat. Samo, da vidim kje sem ga polomil. Da bolje vem za naslednjič.

Če prodam svojo igro, izgubi smisel? Izgubi svojo dušo? Nevem, a vem to, da jo nekdo nekoč bo kupil. In jaz ji bom predal vso svoje delo. Prepustil se ji bom, da z mojim delom dela kar hoče. V zameno hočem samo razumevanje. Razumevanje, zakaj sem ves ta čas to delal.

In igra se nadaljuje.

Still Here M.W.

Writing and Shooting

I am not saying that I'm not happy. I am just saying it could be better. With words of people that experience life in a full way. I seek comfort. I am stuck on this island and i just want to progress. Reach the things that you desire, but also enjoy the process. The process will give you the satisfaction, that you desperately want. You now think that I have figured out everything. Not at all. I 'm probably the last one who's going to figured it out. But I 'll try to enjoy the process. I want different journeys in my life. That is what I have been lacking. What I mean by that is not to visit a lot different country's. Yeah it would be fun. But I'm talking about a journey to independence. A journey to meet some one special. These will sound sleazy, but it's the truth. I want to breath in every day. Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.

We can not tear out a single page of our lives, but we can throw a hole book in the fire. I wake up in the morning and all I can think about is writing and shooting things with a camera. The world is often unkind to new talent, to new creations. Not a lot of people defend those things. And the new needs friends. I think i haven't reach my potential. Yet. Maybe I'll never reach it. But right now that is what is making me happy. Writing.

A lot of things are easy to say and hard to do. For a big part I have been a talker. But talker in my own way. A silent talker. I won't quit.

Still Here M.W.

Happy But At The Same Time Boring State Of Mind

Presenetljivo dobre volje. Kar ni tako pogosto zame. In takoj nastane problem.

V tem stanju redko bivam. Nakar se odločim, da poskušam kaj napisati. Sam pri sebi si pravim, zanimivo. Ampak ni. Vesel, da sem vesel. A to ni prostor za pisanje. Ni isto. Tako je kot, da bi prvič prišel v službo in ne veš kje imaš kakšno stvar. Kakor, da bi v pripravljanici zelenjave iskal meso. Ne gre. Čeprav bi rad pobrskal po prostoru, ne morem ker nisem v njem dovolj dolgo. A dovol dolgo, da vidim, da je v njem tudi zmeda. Polen pričakovanj, kaj mi bo prostor ponudil, s takim zanimanjem se spravim k delu. In potem razočaranje. Nevem kaj naj si mislim. Zgleda, da ne fukcioniram normalno če ni stanje depresivno. No depresivno. Jaz ji pravim lahka depresija. In tam fajn. Jaz se mam fajn. Samo gibanje je drugačno, sam proces je bolj zanimiv. Vse je bolj fascinanto. Ko misliš, da si prišel do dna in odkriješ nov level. Pa to so super občutki. Ko se v glavi odvijajo filmi kot so to, da cel dan govoriš angleško z indijskem naglasom in naokoli govoriš, da so pri tebi doma indijski dnevi. In pri tem se seveda zabavaš. Kaj čš lepšga. Bom povedal na glas in razločno. Naj že izgine to veselje. Dovolj ga je bilo. Pogrešam dneve, v katerih štejem sekunde in se počutim kot drek.

Still Here M.W.

The Light With Dust

Z navidezno lučjo nad glavo, se potikam po stanovanju. Ampak sveti samo meni. Vsi drugi so jo ugasnili. Nihče noče stati pod mojo lučjo. Ne onesnažuje okolice, samo sveti vsak dan z drugo barvo. Nimam nadzora nad barvo. Kakor nimam nadzora nad črno lučjo. Je najpogostejša. Je pa najbolj naravna. Z tako čudovitim dnevom, se nisem mogel sprijazniti. Nikakor se nisem mogel izenačiti znjim, nikakor ga danes nisem razumel. Bil je odveč. Vsa ta odvečna nadloga se mi je zrušila na glavo. In počutje je božansko.

Zaljubljen v nadlogo, se spravim, spontanemu razmišljanju. Takoj vzamem list papirja in pisalo. Opravilu se spravim na star način. Tako kot moji predhodniki. Nekaj hitrih misli, od včerajšnega večernega pogovora samim seboj in takoj prazen list papirja postane črn. Črn, črnih misli. A dovolj dober, da nad menoj posije nova barva. Popisan papir pustim na mizi. In se osredotočim na mirno glasbo. Šibkost včerejšnega večera se prelevi v občutek ubdobja. Končno zapuščen. Kakor prah na že dolgo nebrani knjigi.

Still Here M.W.