Healer In Heaven

Where do we go from here? How do we carry on? I can't go beyond these questions. There is nothing to see now, only satisfaction of being loved, being wanted. The connection has given us value of being the greatest. We complete each other. I have stop asking you to give me a reason to live. I have found one.

''Jason, before I can tell you what we are, I need to tell you my story. Pleas be patient, I will tell you every thing. Do you understand? And I do respect your curiosity, so I won't be too long I promise.'' She ended the sentence with a smile. I agreed to the terms and she started the talk. She talked slowly, but for some case she talk like she was nervous.

''I was similar to your case. I couldn't find any body to connect with. But Charlie and Jane saved me from death. They couldn't ignore my potential. At first I couldn't see those things they did. Through time I saw it my self, it progressed it self and it started to show why I am so special. At first it was very hard. I was the only one how was alone. Nobody dined my value, but they had trouble with me being alone.''I could't stop here from talking. I was enchanted in here talk.

''So I was patient, and I have waited for you.''

''How long?''

''22 years.'' I saw how difficult was to admit that. So I went slowly through here here and thank here for that.

''Thank you''

Our hands touched, our faces got red and we kissed. To moment was full of controlled electricity. She puled me away and said '' You were worth it. It has been just a couple of hours, and I see it was worth the wait.''

She did't want to waist any time, so she stopped the happenings, that could lead to some different endings.

''We age differently. Slowly, once you cross your path to be what we are. Things change drastically. It's easier when you have a partner like others. But when you are alone, the constant pain in your head, the pressure of others. Is getting to you. And the physical change of our nature keeps you alive, through that period of time you don't want to be. That is why probably everybody avoid me but Charlie and Jane. Those changes only happened to me. Others did't have it. Because they arrived in pair. And then...22 years later you'v shoved up. And it's looking better.''

She stop for a brief moment. For some reason I got here pain. I get it like it was mine. I get her.

''So who are we?''

''Who are we?... We're angels. We are the new and the old keepers of peace and love on earth. We are angels.''

''So God exists?''

''Hehe...no he doesn't. We came from a distant planet. The angels where first to occupy this beautiful world. There first main task was to study this planet. They become to big and had to leave the planet they where living on. They were scouts. When they arrived, they could't leave Earth. It was to beautiful. They couldn't leave Earth to his faith, where angels ruin the evolution. They would occupy this planet and ruined it's nature. So they never did't come back to there home planet. They staid here. They learned to live with nature. And for a long time they helped the people. They lived in secret. In the respect of nature, they did't changed it. They only helped people. But man kind grow to fast. And they could't control it anymore. So they just disappeared . We don't know what happened, if they left or what. We only know that about a 150 years ago they shoved up. Three pairs started to do what they have sworn to do when they first came to Earth. It was not easy but they stick through and new couples were born. Now we have 20 couples. And finally we are getting some results. Slowly. People that knew our existence called us angels. And we carry the name till this day.''

We are laying on the grass, soon the sun will rise and a new day will start. A look of Angel. Dark haired Angel with brown eyes was making things easier. My life just got extreme. Still a lot of things unknown. And the way things are going, answers are on their way.

Michael

Subject 22

Preaching to an empty room. All the doors and windows are open. If you walk near the room you can hear everything. Not inviting you, but asking you. Asking you to give me a reason to live.

There is only two chair in this room. A room full of memory's. Darkness surrounds this space. Only two lights exist. One light is pointed at my chair, the other light is pointed to an empty chair. Some people come fast and leave fast to. I guess it's scary to be on the spot.

I wonder what are these subjects thinking when they came. I wont to know, so ask theme a series of questions. I am asking to find something. The thing is unknown. I don't know why I'm doing this.

So I go through some subjects. And I reach subject 22. I get nervous and intrigued. I suddenly start screaming out loud'' It's my head, my dreams, I wont give theme to you'' I realize that I am in motion, a quick motion. Wind goes fast through my hair. Jumping building to building, running away from whatever is after me. Don't want to turn around because I am scared to much of what it is, all I know I don't what to give theme my thoughts. I almost jump to the next building and I see subject 22. I stop. Heavy breathing replaces the silent that we share. O what a beautiful silence it was. Like we are connected. Again I get nervous and intrigued. I look behind me to see whose after me. A man is talking to his sleeve not 50 feet from me. I couldn't here what he was saying but it's was pretty obvious it was about this silence. Like it was something out of ordinary, but it felt completely natural. The greatest feeling in the world. Powerful yet so innocent.

He jump on the building where I was and he spoke.'' Everything that happened 5 minutes ago, forget it.'' He ended the sentence and one couple showed. And the man disappear in the night. So much was happening that I couldn't process everything so fast. I did't realize that me and subject 22 were holding hands. The couple approached us, slowly. They looked calm and confidant. Something I have been lacking.

''You to have a connection. This connection is unbreakable and it's more powerful then anything you can imagine. We don't want to hurt you, or something in return. We want to educate you. Do you understand?''

Subject 22 immediately said yes. I didn't appose that answer. And then she whispered in my ear'' Just listen, everything is fine.'' The most comfortable words in the world and I felt like it to. The man starts slowly and with no hesitation, like he has done that before.

''Ok, I have to start at the beginning. The government's of the world made a program to better the world. They want to get rid of the people who doesn't participate in this program. And believe me everyone participate in this program. They get rid of people who are junk to the community of the world. People who has no real reason to live. There for they don't contribute to make the world the better place.''

''Rid of? How? They kill you?'' I asked confused, and got a wired feeling that he is talking to me not to both of us.

''Yes...but in rare occasions. Only if the subject wants to be killed or if there is really no help for him or here.'' Only he was talking, the women was smiling through the hole process. A couple of times I looked subject 22 and she was also smiling. The man continuous.'' So, the whole program is designed around one thing. And they help you find it. If they can't you know what happens now. But most of the time they do find it. They help you and the world by that. They help you find love.'' 22 and me looked at each other.

''I suddenly started to remember before all this happened. I was on a verge of destruction. Destruction of my self. I was depressed. So this neighbor put on this program. But it wasn't my neighbor, it was you.'' I pointed at the women and she started to laugh. I laughed back. The man started to talk with a big smile on his face.'' So we work on the program, we help to find people the one thing that is really missing in peoples life when they are down.Love. They said that you are a hopeless case, that you are done. And we helped, it was quick action on our side, I have to say. So you probably want to know why we are meeting here on a building, and why do you jump so high with no sweat what so ever, ha?

''Yeah it would be nice...I don't remember to have that kind of privilege before.''

The women started to talk now.'' So you were on a death bed, ready to be gone. I felt something when I saw you, so we could't help our self, but to do something, when we find out. And we were right you are special. But on that matter later. We created a diversion and bought some time to do what we did. We hacked in you brain and started to put pictures of women in your brain. Now we can't really know what do you see when we do that, how did you see it?.''

'' I was in a dark room, with two chairs and light on those two chairs. And women sit on the char, I was asking theme some questions, everybody left and I wasn't feeling right, until she came. Then I woke up or something, and I started to run like hell.''

'' Cool, we stimulate the brain to see what we want, but every imagination is different and it interprets things differently. And you got your answer here. The most similar thinking of a brain is the most likely you are going to par up. So we didn't just put pictures of women we put thoughts to match theme with your thoughts. And you two are the highest match of everybody. So it had to work. We don't put everybody through this program, well not a lot of people know about it. And if we put everybody through it, things will get out of control. It's too quick. The program is based on searching and getting to know someone. An end is known, but in you case. There was no one that got your intention. That is why we took so drastic actions in your case. I think it's too much for one day. Why don't you get some rest and meet us tomorrow, Sheila knows were.'' They said good by and they left us alone. I was in heaven.

Michael

The Great Depression

For you, for me it's like we are reading the same story twice. You just want to see active life, more than once. You know what's going to happen, but you don't care. You want to know,you want it now and you want to be able getting the same thought more than once. The one that matters. You want to feel it. You want to learn it. So that you can remember it in times of great depression. I am wanting on a order. To be told what to do. To be guided to, not just a personal path, but to the path of as all. To be sure of what I'm doing, but still surprised at the and. Concerned about tomorrow, and careing less for me is not a good option. Loud and powerful voices in my ear gives me comfort. When we are down what do we listen? Is't always something new, or is something old, something we know? When you are in a position and you find out that no body cares, to what do we go to?

We go to killers. We go to professional killers, assassins. We go to story's that we know, music with which we feel connected so much that, sometimes it feels like they wrote songs just for us. We quickly realize that forever is over. It kills everything in a that state of mind. You are notorious. And suddenly you are touched by a something real, things that bothered you are long gone. You surrender your self to voice of a troubled mind, and you understand. The story's that don't come out of my head. It's like I don't exist.

I am in a great depression.

Michael

The Unknown Word

Without no power in my muscles, I struggled to write a word. A word that could change the process of my living. Had it on a tip of a tung. But could't said it, or write it. Maybe the scenery wasn't idyll. I couldn't help my self, or receive the help from others. Why? I was alone. I still can't find the word. I can't describe it either. I feel empty without this word. The truth is, I don't know if I will ever find it. Only with this mind I feel alive. The part where I wonder. So simple can be life with it. For no reason at all I start to look for a word. Nothing in a world matter. But this. Trying to full fill a moment of weakness with a word. A moment who has no real meaning for nobody, but has for me. I have persuade my self to believe that I don't finish things. Just a thought I did't chase. For now that is enough that I know. Maybe I will continue the thought later when things get better. Just to remind myself that I need misery in my life. Yes I will do that to my self. I don't think it's wrong I believe it's therapy for me. I am my own shrink. I deal with things with my self.

Searching for this word is just another part of therapy. Is it working? I don't care if it isn't. I only care for the joy of it. Sensations of a different variety, that is what it offers me, this thrill of a search. In search of a word. I believe it's a name. Don't know it yet. But let's not jump to conclusions.

Michael

Anybody wants to be my endless thought or action?

I am scared to write. It's not fare asking big questions when your not sober to defend your thoughts. I have accepted the end of anything I started. Not so much accepted it, but more realizing it's the best way to end things. Trying to do a different ending makes things harder. Waking up is harder. The first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up is. I'm an idiot. The biggest fool of theme all. Nothing makes sense, not one thought, not one action I do. Things with no ending are the one that keeps me going on. What I mean by that is an action that has no ending is the smartest one. Reason has nothing to do with it. Simply it has have no ending. It must be something that can go endless. A thought, an action.

The last one is hard to find. Anybody wants to be my endless thought or action? Trying to find action it's hard action by it self.

So what's the end? There is no end but one. Only one end exist and I am not there yet. And so aren't many people. Don't put things to an end. See it in a continuation form. See it as hill on your way to the top of the mountain. Just another obstacle on your personal journey.

Michael

Search

You must search, to find. Find peace, anger, disappointments, wishes, love, dreams. If you don't search, there is no hope for you. My curiosity is has no place here. You just have to search. Even if it is searching, the things you want to search. Disturbing is going to be your biggest feeling. You are on the right course, when you reach that point. Knowing or not. Believe me it's better not knowing. Some say knowing is better then not knowing. I believe that saying for this case does not apply. If you know, time becomes slower. It's like everything stopped and you are falling down. Never hitting the ground and thinking about the fall, while falling. The touch in the air is slowly killing you, without realizing. I don't think that I can be happy, I can only be less miserably. Never think too much.

Michael

She Is Back...

Vstavljen in zamaknjen v teh dneh. Zamišljen in umirjen. Kaj je boljšega kot brez pretvarjanja iti ven? Razumem njeno ustvarjalnost in domišljijo. Počutim se edinega v okolici kateri se zna poenotiti z njo.

Spet in spet mi ne gre iz glave. Dnevi se več ne začnejo z njo. A dan poteka z njo v moji glavi. In zdaj jo spet vidim. Sedim, pijem, se pogovarjam in se pokaže. Okolica me več ne zanima. Zafustriran ker vse kar lahko jo gledam. Čeprav zadovoljen, je vseeno preveč neizobraženo in takoj neham. Pokažem, da sem jo zaznal in jo opazil. Zapustim misel, a njena preprostost je neverjetna in kot senca, me misel nanjo ne zapusti kar takoj. Plesati brez smisla, nima smisla. Tako, da povem. Spet je nazaj. Odkar vem, da se počutim kot kup ne produktivnega materiala, kadar ni dan povezan z njo, se sploh ne obremenjujem kako se zbudim zjutraj. Dan nima smisla in dan nima glave in repa. Vse kar lahko kontroliram je radij en meter okoli mene. To je nekaj časa veljalo. Zdaj, nič več, ona je v meni. Konec. Ne vem kaj naj naredim.

Presenečen od prejšnjih ur, se počutim kot nov. Nekaj sem dal ven, nekaj sem sprejel. Kot vsak rabim samostojnost in prevzetnost. Rabim čustva in mirnost. Čustva prevladajo povsod in se z njimi povežem kot telefon s polnilcem.

Enkrat tako, drugič drugače. Neobjavljeno je sedaj objavljeno. Brez pričakovanj, se veselim dneve razočaranj.

Miha

No Sound But The Wind

On that winter day, blessed and compelled, I wonder the alone streets of New City. Snow and wind produced the sound of gold. I had no words with hum I could describe the beauty, which was only seen by my eyes. Trying to seek some meaning in it, was a true mistake that I made. Rather to enjoy, I went looking for a bigger thing. A mistake, I will not make twice. Nothing but white, my eyes where gassing on, no foot steps, just simple perfection. Everybody obsessed with perfection, but when it is right in front of there eyes, no body wants to take time to look at it. How I hate one minded people. Nothing can change there life but death. Always the difference maker. Why can't be something simple as that be the problem solver. Nothing will ever change if people that can't limit theme selfs will talk. And that is the easiest thing in the world. Communication. Talk.

Human emotions are a strange weapon, yet very powerful. Experience the present facts as they are. Except, understand and know the in and out of a human emotions. You and your emotions are guiding you through your everyday activities. Don't trust people, trust emotion.

It's a shame to be so great about something that nobody cares about.

Michael

Stand With Me

Anticipation is growing. Filed with energy and good thinking. The energy of darkness and thoughts to desire pain. Now waking up is awesome. Like I am in a different world, a world of endless party's in my head. Seduced with empathy. With that I am starting to learn about my greatness. And the greatness that is this place of endless fields of trouble. But now trouble is viewed in a stronger and more philosophical way. It's an alter state of mind. It's like I was High all the time. Never worried about anything and not always but occasionally smiling. Still capably of producing real feelings, but not troubled with theme. Not in a worry to share them. In a place and time it will benefit me. Realize that I don't want to be a fighter. This is my decade. A decade of getting in touch of my spirit, my dark and beautiful spirit. Fresh new alternatives in my path. Don't think that my path isn't green. Because it is. And here is the problem. Nobody cares, nobody wants to stand with me on my green path surrounded with black light. And if you stand long enough with me, you will found out soon, that it is not dark all the time. You just need to be tolerant. Stand with me and you will see. It's like standing in the dark, if you gave it time you vision gets better.

Michael

In My Place

In this times of uncertainty, I wonder if a change of scenery is a good thing. I have been enjoying this time very much. But it's time for me to get back to my originality. It's time to see in do things in my own way. Locked in a room with nothing but stars on a blue sky. My salvation is in words, not people. With words I need to spent some quality time. In the future I'll need people to co exist, but now it's time for solitude and words. How to describe my ongoings, how to decide on matters that are crucial for me, how to express my troubled mind?

Pasting time without gravity. In the air falling down, No control, in constant fear to suddenly crash and hit the destination, it's my biggest weakness. No awareness of when it's going to happen. Only concerns are if it's going to hurt, how it's going to hurt and if I will be able to live. Over berried mind gives me headache. No pill can destroy this agony. Relax they say. My subconscious won't let me. Never have a powerful mind like my. It doesn't let you sleep. It also doesn't let you function around people. It is making you undesirably.

In my blog there is only one thing that hasn't been disused. And soon it will be. And when it's going to be, if it's absurd for you, if it's to much. Pleas stop reading. I think it is nothing wrong to wonder about it. It just means that you have a wide perspective on life.

Michael

Normal's overrated.

Surprised by thinking of others. Especially by one, who I thought had deep thoughts. From some one, that understands that normal's overrated. The one who challenged me to be different. I all ready know that nobody cares, but she surprised me in a big way. Now I really know that I am a waist of time. I don't want her or your pity. I just want understanding that people get there juices flown in a different way. And she doesn't. I am a guy who can't function well in life but can in art. When I have nothing to write, I got nothing to do. I get nervous and annoying. My mind stops and my thoughts become silent. My heart starts to beat really fast, and everything around me doesn't have sense. Is that normal? The real trick is that I don't have to write, literary. I write in my head, even if it's in my imagination. It has to be in constant movement. Or else I ask my self a question, Who are you? I'm not normal. That is for sure.

Michael