I Know I Suck, But I Need Your Voice.

Define your self. They say. Who every they are. I just want to say I hate theme. But how can I? Now one on the other side. I feel alone. After I Came Back, came silence. When I refer to you, I believe I am talking to my self. Not bad finding your self in your own words. Hello, anyone. Just to see if you are still alive. All I want is a pulse reaction. A fast reaction. I wrote a lot. After the sentence, I came back, I am trying to define my writing. Boring, old, self centered ... Nobody is saying any thing, How can I know. The truth is I am not good, but I am getting better. I hope so, please give me an answer.
My readers are gone I am the only one, If I can even register as a reader. Say you don't want it, and I'll stop.
A perfect and innocent thing has turned into a disaster. Talking to your self, basically leads you to a mental facility, even if it's only in your mind. What is worst then a totally agony of being in love? Not just obvious love, but love of interest, that rare understand. Or at least they are not telling you. I am in a search as I sad many times before. I am looking for a critic, help, a sound of life, a voice. I am desperate. Please be a part of my story. be that exception.



Mike.

My Love

Music. Just a word. But once you started to pay attention, on what it really means you get the idea of how big it is. How far does it reach? How important is music in my life? It's the number one thing. What do I do when I am in my moments of trouble? I started listening to music to calm my self down. What do I do when I am felling alive. I celebrate with music. Where do I go for an inspiration? I think you got the idea. It's music that gets me woken up in the morning and puts me to sleep. I am not a musician, I have the desire to play certain instruments. But I still haven't got my self to learn theme. I guess I want somethings unanswered. I want to be the ultimate observer. I  love and appreciate work that others put in songs. And I admire theme for finding their way of expressing theme self and let others, like me, to find some consolation in those songs. Music gave me something to believe. I don't want to tell what to listen. Just find some music that gives you some meaning. The emphasis is on you. Music is a big part of me. Listen to it. It will improve your life. Even if it's only for five minutes. It's worth it.



Mike

Life Is A Game Of Inches

For reconstruction to happen you have to start at ground zero. But I haven't demolished everything. Some of my buildings are build solid, and everyone took a long time to build.
How can I demolished empty rooms? Weren't they meant to be filled and used? They are stuffed with empty boxes and dust. Black shades are covering windows. Not because no one wants to watch, but because there is nothing I can put in. And yes, sometimes I don't wanna watch. Watching an empty room is depressing. The doors are open. Not locked and the function to lock theme was removed. That was taken care of. By me. Two rooms that I won't probably destroyed. The unwritten and written one. To important to get ride of them. So the question is. Is it worth to demolish those old rooms and start new, or get started on a renovation? I need to sell every room. The exception are written and unwritten. Need to start living there. Move all my things in and try to do something with it. Nobody can do it for me. I am too young to left those in the hands of someone I don't trust. Life is a game of inches. First inch is to realize my options. I have done that. Last year I spent doing that every day, all day. I have found something. Now. Second inch. What are you going to do? That is my next battle. The second step is the hardest. Now I have to start the battle, now it's time to pull all out my weapons and make my self a believer.
Viva la Vida. I had it in front of me. Never saw it, not as clearly as I should. I am disturbed so is my message. I apologize for that. But it helps me. In a disturbing way.



Mike

The Only Exception

The story goes over and over. The same stuff appears in front of me. Again I was remembered how fragile I am. With brutal force they made me mad and insane. Not able to think straight not being able to stand on my own feet. The ground is shaking. And I can't even remember if it's from the see or the people who made me mentally unstable for a short period of time. I have been waiting for a decedent talk for a long time. And I finally got one. Sharing my desires with someone who knows where I am coming from. It was nothing more just a simple conversation. The same wishes and hopes colliding together is a beautiful thing. Hope was restored with this chat. It's good to be reminded that I am not the only one who thinks the same way as I am.

I made a mistake not writing daily on this trip. A sort of a scrap book. It would give me some sort of satisfaction that I belong there. Definitely I didn't feel like that. For the most part I don't belong anywhere. Even the break from writing was a bad decision. I need to get back to my comfortable zone. And that talk was in the that zone. And why they couldn't leave at that I don't know. They wanted more. They never asked me what I want? And all I ever wanted. I got it. I can appreciate the little things. What I have got out of that conversation was much bigger and better that I would have got If I pursue their wishes and thoughts. Right now I live to believe. I need more than an average person. And I believe I deserve more. That is just me.Not feeling better then anybody just different. The only exception is I am more complicated. Believe me it's not a good thing.