The Psychiatrist: First Talk; I See Darkness.

''What is worse then a totality agony of being in love? Probably not being in love. In this times when every one is gasping to hold on to something good in a so tough environment, I try not to think and imagine the things I love and could love. It takes too much time to recover after those emotions. I am afraid to get in bed at night. All the silence and peace that is brought by that time of day is too much to handle. I start to worry about every thing. And I literary mean every thing. How can a world be so corrupted, taking what is not rightfully yours. No respect for nothing. The damn global warming. I some time wonder if there is any reason to make an effort to live. One day it's all going to be over. Even if you do something, you will be forgotten. And it won't matter. We are fucked, and the ice has already started to melt. I thought about killing my self, but the idea of not existing gives me more trouble then death. About every thing. I mean and I am not even some non sociable geek or any thing. I have friends I go out I meet people, I am active in my community. I am something. I have hobbies that complete me. A steady job. But I am worried about the lawn in front of my house, the trees at the back of my house. I need to make shore the are healthy so they can provide fresh air, I am worried about polluted air, that is going through my lungs. When I see other people buying stuff all I see is how much paper or plastic bags are they taking. I mean what the hell is wrong with a person when he uses one small bag for two apples, another bag for three tomatoes, and a another bag for a zucchini. They CAN ALL GO INTO ONE BAG. Fuck. With little things people are destroying the world, In my book the world is all ready destroyed.''
I stopped for a second, to have a glass of water. Water's good for you. I am sitting in a room, where every thing is perfectly designee to make you feel comfortable as you possibly can be, in this room. I am in a room where people with problems are trying to solve theme. I am not a naive person and I don't run to seek help if something is going wrong. I like to solve it my self. Ha, maybe I should told that to my doctor. For what is worth I don't even know If I'll be back next week. I probably won't. He quietly sits in his chair, making some notes. But still observing me. He doesn't say anything. He waits for me to start. And I do I want to make my money countable.
'' So here is me talking, about my problems. To some one who will only heard theme if you pay him. It has come down to this. Do you even care, if I was to came here with no money and ask you for a small advice? Don't answer. I rather not know. I would rather search for my answer. Besides rationality is lost. Emotionality is lost. Being emotional is now forbidden or at least you quickly become someone who isn't stable to make big decision. Your Emotions Are Getting In Your Way. Yes they are. Because that is how you should react. With every thing you've got. Who can that be wrong. Be your self a hundred percent all the time.''
I get too disturbed by not making any sense. Slow and cloudy day has turned into rainy day. Hopelessly sitting on a chair facing the ground, water in my eyes. I am still trying to fool my self from the truth. I quickly decided I am coming back. Can't say anything else but these words to the man in front of me.
'' I see darkness, can you help me?''